Regarding Betrayal (a requested repost )

I have a dear friend who emailed me a few days ago, saying, "Barb, I need a favor. I shared with you that my marriage was in serious trouble, had been for years. And because of the lack of communication and how tall the walls between my wife and I were, I strayed. I didn't mean too. It was, at first, a genuine mistake, one I regretted so much I determined in my heart to work hard at my marriage, especially since we have the four children. But my efforts didn't work. My wife still loves me, doesn't want a divorce, but I do. I care for her but am now in love with this other woman. My favor? I need some advice. Do I stay, miserable as the situation is, for the sake of the children, or do I leave?  Please get back to me ASAP.

I sent an instant message to my friend, asking "Do you wish for  me to tell you what you want to hear, or to be honest?
He wrote back "  Hard as it may be to hear, I wish you to be honest. I trust you."
My Reply:
 
Dear,
First, let me tell you how sorry I am that things have gotten so off the track for the two of you. I've known you both for many years, know you both to be decent, caring, loving people. But things happen. The ones we love are imperfect, make mistakes,.just as everybody else does. Sometimes those mistakes are so small they wouldn't make a ripple in a pond. But other times, mistakes made can be very harmful, spilling hurt upon not jut the one who made the mistake, but to all who love and care for that person.
    I am no authority on this kind of situation, but have experienced betrayal twice, so DO know a great deal about how it touches everybody, especially the children. Do I think you ought to stay, miserable as you are, or leave? That question is one you have to answer yourself. But the advice I will give you, is advice, that I truly believe if you follow, will make it easier for you, and for your wife.
  Ending a marriage is a sad, painful thing, especially if your spouse still loves you and wants you to stay. Life offers no easy answers, my friend. When something this serious comes up,  you must  address it head on.  I have been betrayed twice, as you well know. You know too, that because I turned to the Lord for help, this marriage has been saved. We've been together for almost 37 years now, and never been happier. I have reminded you of this because I don't want you to forget, that should you choose too, and truly want to make your marriage work, God would bless you and help you do that. If both parties want it to work and God is in the middle, it will work.
    
Now, regarding what you should do. You ask if you should go or stay, for the sake of the children. The best way to make good decisions on anything, my friend, is by asking ourselves the most difficult questions, the most painful, but honest questions we can think of like:
1- If I leave my wife, will I be able to handle the guilt I'm going to feel?
2- If I leave my wife will I be able to live with the damage it is going to do to our children?
3-  Will I be able to endure my children pulling away from me, being angry at me, thinking I don't love them anymore?
4- Will I be able to handle the many  questions my children are going to throw at me?
3- If I leave my wife, can I handle what this will do to her since she has always treated me so well, treated me with such respect, always looked up to me, been my best friend?
4- Have I taken the time to think about the history of our marriage, of all that my wife and I have been through together?
5- Have I taken time to consider the many times she has forgiven me so quickly, been merciful when I didn't deserve it?"
6- Have I considered how little I know about the woman  I now claim to love? Unlike my wife, I don't know how she'd treat me if I were really sick, really stressing out, lost my good paying job. I don't know  how she will be about me seeing my children, me still having contact with my now present wife.
 
The above questions are but a few you need to ask yourself. I'm sure, if you take time to do it,  you can think of many more. The more questions you come up with (honest, painful ones), the  more sure you can be that your decision will be the right one.
    My dear friend, I suggest that when  you have  time,  and can be alone, imagine yourself without your wife. Imagine (really imagine), how it would be without her, to not hear her laugh, to not see her smile, to not share meals with her, not  to have her as your best friend any more. Imagine how you would feel if something happened to her, how you'd feel not being able to talk to her about what hurts you, like you once did. You two were very close once. I know that people have told you "well things change. People fall out of love sometimes."
  True as that may be, I believe it is also true that love between two people does not always die. It just gets buried when  people forget what brought them together in the first place; gets buried beneath health problems, financial problems, in-law problems, priorities in the wrong place, problems with the kids, etc.
  
 I would like to point out something to you, left it till the last, hoping you will not easily forget it. You asked should you stay, miserable as you are for the sake of the children. How, dear one, does staying, under those conditions bless your children? What do you think the tension, angry words, shouting, threats, demands, broken promises, will do to them? Trust me, it will touch them, but not in a good way. Having come from a very horrific childhood, I know first hand what it does to children. A child might have both parents in the home, but if there is no security there, no safety, no open affection, nobody taking time to fill their needs, the child, in every sense of the word, is alone.
  Whatever you decide to do, know I am in your corner always, your wife's too. Pray first, my friend, before doing anything else. God is so much wiser than we are.

ALL THINGS WORK FOR OUR GOOD

 When I was nine I was bored, and becoming a pest to the adults around me, so my uncle gave me an old clock to tinker with. I held it to my ear, while listening to it's soft ticking sound, and then, being curious, I took it apart. I was too young to understand what made it tick, but did discover that it took many different parts to make the clock work as it should.
    
Like the clock, a man requires more than one part if he is to function properly, and be able to cope with the realities of life. He could not possess just one part and be complete; could not, for instance just have patience. If patience was all he had, what would he do if he found himself in a situation that required courage or faith? What if he were to need compassion, or understanding. wisdom, mercy, or strength? We need a lot of parts in order to not just cope with the harshness of life, but to be able to appreciate, and value it as well.
  
The world our wonderful God created is made up of opposites: night-day, sorrow-joy, spring-winter, etc. We could never appreciate the more colorful one, the one that makes us happy, unless we've first tasted the bitterness of the trials we've experienced.
God does not always send the trials we're confronted with, but he most definitely allows them. How else could He make sure that we have the parts we'd need in order to overcome the difficulties in our lives, as well as be a blessing to those around us who are hurting? Yes, there is a harshness to life; much pain and enormous sorrow, but there is always their opposite.
  
Whenever I see a rainbow, I see the darker colors as the trials I've been through, the brighter colors, as joy; the JOY  God gave me for trusting Him during the  darkest moments of my life: the death of my parents, a betrayal, a failed marriage, having a child in an abusive relationship for years, the loss of a very dear friend, a job, two precious children in trouble.
My greatest JOY fills me up, and that JOY comes from HE who believed in me, loved me, forgave me, when nobody else could- or would.

All Things Work Together For Good To Them That Love God. Romans 8:28

What a powerful blessing, what reassuring words to a troubled person, somebody not understanding what it takes for us to function properly, not understanding what we need, in order to cope with the hard side of life.
   It says all things (WORK), which means everything has been checked out, nothing
will break down and leave us stranded. It means all things are working (NOW), at this
very minute, and for our good.
   It means we have no reason to doubt or be troubled about the trials we are facing. Each part is necessary in order for us to be successful; to grow, and become the kind
of people God desires us to be.
  
   AND WE KNOW (we are positve)

  THAT ALL THINGS (every single thing)
  WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD (not evil)

  TO WHO? ( to those who love the Lord).
 
 
Let's not worry and fret any more, but give our burdens to the Lord.
We have but to say, "Father, this is just to heavy for me."
He is more than willing to carry it.

***************************************************************************
Hope you remember that each day is a gift just waiting to be unwrapped.

The one thing I am most thankful for, at the moment, is that I have not forgotten to look for the blessings during my darkest, most painful moments. They are always there. But sometimes, when we are discouraged, weary, in a lot of pain or overwhelmed, we lose our bearings. It's hard to stay focused when we've lost a lot of sleep, hurt, or have more than one thing at a time to deal with.
   
What has helped me the most is remembering to start my morning with the Lord. I thank Him for the day's gift of life, then thank Him for being willing to listen to me,
and for helping me find solutions to my problems. I had been thinking about his
faithfulness when a dear friend asked me why I thought she had such a hard time
with her faith.  "It's up, then down." she told me. "And you know I love the Lord and DO believe in Him, Barb. It gets me so discouraged."

 I thought about her question for awhile, then told her I felt  she was forgetting that she is no different than the precious people in the Bible. Every one of them, I told her, struggled with their faith at times. We are all strong, I said, but not always. We have faith, but at times it might  waver. The fact that it does, doesn't mean we no longer have faith. It just means that perhaps we've not kept it as active as we should have. Faith, when not put to use, is nothing but a five letter word. We've all been given a measure of faith, but how large and strong that faith becomes depends upon whether or not we keep it active.

 If your day is going badly; if you are afraid, feeling insecure, worried about loved ones, are sick, lost,  or wondering what to do about your situation, remember that God is home every day, leaves his nightlights on at night to reassure us of that fact. (smiling as I write that, remembering that is what I told my son when he was little, when he became afraid of the dark). Viewing it that way reminds me too, that God understands when I am fearful. Several times, in His Word, He says "Be not afraid." He encourages us to be strong and full of courage. Leaning upon Him rather than ourselves makes our burdens so much lighter.

 Sometimes it seems as if  nothing will ever get better. It seems like the harder you try, the worse things get. I know that feeling, have felt it many times. And it is painful. But when things are difficult we have to keep on keeping on, always reminding ourselves that it won't always rain, that even if we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, it IS there, and one day we WILL be able to see it.
  
It helps to reach out to others too, even if we may be shy about it, have never done it before. Trust me, there are many people on the Internet with the largest hearts in the world, people, who would reach out to support you if only they were aware of your need..
  
I want to take a minute here to thank those of you who have taken time for me. You've taken time to comment on what I write, even though it may not be something you're particularly interested in. You've taken time to email me just to say hello, and ask how I am doing. You've gone out of your way to make me know I matter. For that I am, and will ever be eternally grateful.

To all of you, remember to create a special memory today. Life is short, is here, then gone- like a wisp of smoke.



Something To Ask Yourself When Stressed.

Is this really going to matter a few months from now?
Choose your battles wisely (a lesson I learned the hard way).

Have an awesome day.

Barb

DO OUR WORDS BLESS OR HURT?

I decided to write about words this morning because of what I see and hear around me. Of all the lessons I have learned in my lifetime, recognizing the power of words is the lesson that improved my relationships and enabled me to work through problems with those I care about, rather than shutting them out of  my life as I used too when I was younger.

Words are powerful things; so powerful we have to be careful how we string them together in our sentences, our speech, our letters, and emails. Words can make a man or break a man;  inspire him or destroy him. They will motivate him, or steal his joy, hope, and peace. They will fill him with despair or cause him to believe that nothing is impossible. Words  will encourage a man or discourage him, leaving him feeling empty, asking himself "why bother to try anymore?"
    
The words we put into our minds are powerful too for we believe what we tell ourselves. If we tell ourselves "I can't." we've pretty much killed our motivation. If we tell ourselves how afraid we are, we become fearful, insecure people. What we tell ourselves determines, to a large degree, what choices we will make, or not make. 
I have made it a point, for the last year, to pay attention to what I'm been telling myself. To say I was surprised  at what this experiment taught me, would be an understatement.

Listed  below is an example of just some of the things I'd been telling myself. The original list was longer, so I am making progress. Paying attention to what I say has improved my life by 80 %, and I know it will continue to get better. I'm posting this because I thought perhaps some of you might be telling yourselves these things too.

List of Things I've Told Myself when, sad, lonely, afraid, overwhelmed,or
feeling discouraged.

1- I can't do this.
2- This is too hard.
3- I'll never be able to understand this.
4- Nothing ever changes.
5- I can't do anything right.
6- Nobody cares any way.
7 -I'm too old.
8- I'm not smart enough.
9- What's the sense of trying.
10- I'll never get back in shape.

DISTORTIONS OF LOGIC.
That's what the above statements are. The more I said  them to myself, the more I believed it. It's taken me a long time to realize the harm I was doing to myself, a long time to recognize that what I told myself altered my life, and not always in a good way.

So, how about you?  What negative tapes do you still run in your mind, if any?

Well, I guess I'd better get started on my day. There is a lot to do and when I am this tired it always takes me longer to get things done. As for you, guys  & dolls.

  Enjoy the moments of your life as they come and if possible create a beautiful memory for somebody who doesn't expect it. You won't have to look far to find that person. There are a lot of lonely people out there. Some might just be your neighbors. 

Love you much,







  

ODDS & ENDS

How are you this morning? I'm hoping when you got out of bed you said to yourself,  "It's going to be a great day." Why do I hope that?
Because #1, we believe what we tell ourselves. And  # 2, What we believe determines, to a large degree, how our day will flow.

It's not always easy to do the right thing,  to keep being polite to rude people, to accept responsibility for our words and actions. But choosing to do these things will make a difference in our family, in our relationships, in our community, in our churches, and in the world.

It's always bothered me to hear somebody say (and believe too), that one person can't make a difference. A lot of the time, when this is said, those saying it are thinking in terms of money. They've told me. "I'd love to help, Barb, but I live on a very small budget." I understand that because I do too, many people do. The thing is, there are so many things one can do, if only they would.  If you've read this far, please leave a comment giving suggestions on what one person could do. Imagine if we all read the suggestions and did the majority of them, or better yet..ALL of them.

A few suggestions:

1- Type in USO on your toolbar and when the page comes up, choose
something to do. I send messages of encouragement and am writing some of the soldiers who seldom, if ever, get mail

2- Check on  your neighbor. If you don't know them, introduce yourself. Every one of us will be in need at some time. Wouldn't it be nice if when your neighbor was in need, YOU were the first one there?

3- If you have kids, fill up a large, pretty bottle with slips of paper in it, each slip of paper telling that child a reason why you love them or are proud of them, or offering words of encouragement. I  did this for each of my children, two when preteens, the others when they were teens, around sixteen. That gift was largely responsible for keeping the lines of communication open. Sometimes, my kids were not receptive, were so angry at my NO, that they were not talking to me. I'd write them a letter. They might not talk to me but would, most of the time read a letter or note I'd written to them.

4- When you go shopping, pick up a few extra cans of food, then began filling
a box at home. When it's full, take it to somebody you know who is having a really hard time.

5- Okay. Let's hear some of yours. I want to add to mine, really want to
make somebody's life a little better. I'm sure you want to do this too.
Thanks ahead of time for helping me out with this.


The three P's:

1- The Past, appropriately named because things once experienced belong
     there, especially those things that have hurt us, disappointed us, caused 
     us to fill up with resentment; things that we either wish we'd not done, or
     that somebody hadn't done to us. Dragging them up and throwing them 
     back into the face of somebody we said we'd forgiven puts our life on hold
     and robs us of the happiness we could have.

2- The Present-
     Teaching ourselves how to remain in the present, to truly focus on the
     good things happening around us and in our lives, keep us from
     making our burdens weigh more than they actually do.

3- The future-
     Nothing to worry about. The God who was with us yesterday, is with us
    today, will be with us tomorrow- and forever.

Have an awesome day. Be good to yourselves- good to others too.

Love you much,

Barb
    

   
   

REMEMBERING

Somewhere in the diamond lit sky, there is a star with my name on it.
Somewhere, the dreams I had so long ago are touching the clouds.
Right now I may be grounded, but there is always tomorrow, and tomorrow I
will fly.

I've been thinking about love: the height and width..the deepness of it,
remembering how good it tasted, the one sip I had.

I am looking at a rainbow, its colors as dazzling as what I see
in the eyes of the one who holds my heart.

I am listening to the collective sigh of a tired universe- and a cricket.

Oh, but the heart can sing when love resides there,
but how quickly the spirit dies when love flies away.

No matter the miles between us.
I am where you are for when we met- we became one.

What rests within a touch? Everything!

Fill my cup with thy love, I pray, lest this day be empty of life.
Let me then fill yours, so the connection between us remains forever.

Love once given is never wasted. It flows endlessly, for all time.

HARD TIMES

It isn't easy to be brave when facing trials; not easy to pretend to be strong when your legs are threatening to give out...your heart too.
I know this because life has blown a huge hole in my comfort zone, forcing me to experience things I'd rather not face, forcing me to embrace change rather than run from it. Life,  being unpredictable, buckled me into a roller-coaster without even asking if I wanted to go for a ride.

  One minute I was feeling safe, secured, and  strongly rooted, and  the next moment found myself deep in quicksand. It hurts! But know what?
I am allowing myself to cry, allowing myself to grieve for all that is being taken away from me.  But I'm reminding myself not to forget to embrace the good things in life, the things we too often take for granted.
 
What things? Things like the rising and setting of the sun, the dependability of God's love and His Word, the night-lights He turns on when the world's shades are pulled down to let us know He is there, should we need Him; the love gazing back at us in the eyes of those we love, or the laughter of our children and grandchildren, the smile from a stranger or the unexpected help we didn't expect to get?

I have to remind myself of all these things and more, in order to make it through a day sometimes. But always, even midst the darkest moments of my life I am comforted- knowing that each trial comes to its own end, and  no matter how much I am hurting, somewhere in the world, somebody is hurting much more than I am.
  
If you, like me, have been buckled into the roller-coaster without wanting to go for the ride, be brave. We are all much stronger than we believe ourselves to be. And as long as we keep the lantern of Hope going, we will do okay.

If you are, at least for today, having a great day (and I pray most of you are), than don't forget to count your blessings. Use the moments given you to create memories that will keep your rocky roads lit.

Thank you, guys & dolls for the prayers and good thoughts. I appreciate every one of them.





   
 

   

Trying To Catch Up

Hello everybody,

I can't believe I let so much time go by without posting.
I had good intentions, but as you can see, I missed the
mark by a mile, if not more. It's a first for me, as far as
not posting goes. I can remember when I had six journals
going at the same time, and each one was kept up.

I hope today finds each of you embracing the days moments as they come, not missing the miracle contained within it. Oh, I know, sometimes it isn't easy to believe in miracles, especially if you are still trying to work through a major loss. But try to believe. Hold tight to HOPE, for it is what enables us to keep going when all we want to do is quit.

I talked to some people recently who were telling me how they dreaded
an upcoming family reunion. I can remember feeling the same way when younger. Thankfully, I got wiser; learned that the reason some reunions turn out badly for some individuals is because they had unrealistic expectations. Sound familiar? You know how it is. We get happy...all
excited, thinking about seeing loved ones. In our minds we play out just how it is going to go. Everybody is going to get along, have a great time.
There will be no tension, no fighting, no walls erected. (only in our dreams, right?) smiling here, guys & dolls.

It is so gorgeous out, not hot, no raining, not windy or cold. It's just sunny and about 78. I am looking forward to feeling better so I can venture out more. It has only been several weeks since I had back surgery, and though I am doing extremely well (no braces at all, or walker), I still have to take it slow, which doesn't come easy. Because I feel so much better I have a tendency to take on too much then don't feel my best.
   I am looking forward to summer picnics, playing with our granddaughter, Jennifer Joy, who starts school this year, turned 5 in January. Wish all our grandchildren lived close, and great-grandchildren too. They all live out of state so we seldom get to see any of them. Thank goodness for Facebook.

My apologies for the shortness of this entry. I promise they will be better as I improve. Hope to hear from all of you soon. I'll be visiting your journals soon. Miss you all & love you much.


   

GOOD MORNING

Hello, guys & dolls.

It has been quite awhile since I have posted so am hoping you won't mind helping me out a little bit. Things have changed a bit since I last blogged. I am having trouble getting posting pictures, which is why there isn't any on this entry. I'd appreciate some help.

That aside, let me say I have remembered each of you in prayer,  have thought about you often, always with great affection. Remembering how we first met and all we have been through together ...well, it showed me that we were not strangers but family.
So family...get back to me and let me know what has been going on with you.
Have you remembered how special you are, that dreams DO come true, and that it is never about who we are but WHOSE we are? Have you remembered that a new day means a new way; an opportunity to do things better, a do-over, like we had when we were kids. Remember how great that was?


Life can get pretty rough sometimes. Trials can seem to take away every bit of security we had, often gets us so stressed that we forget that each trial comes to its own end, that there really is a rainbow just around the corner. We must never lose HOPE, must always keep its flame burning.
    We must not allow ourselves to remember that kindness, compassion and affection can tear down steel walls, can melt a cold heart faster than the sun can melt an ice-cube.
However your day goes today, don't forget to embrace its blessings, to be grateful for them. There are so many, even on our darkest day. We just have to look a little harder to find them.

A few of you that I have made contact with of late have asked how things are going in my corner of the world. Well, I won't deny I've been through some pretty rough waters since last I blogged, but the Lord never let me sink. He always honored the faith I had.
The back surgery I had three weeks ago went well. I am recovering faster than most, I am told. My husband's health is much worse than it was a year ago. He gets discouraged, but I remind him to take it a day at a time, a minute at a time, if that is what it  takes.
   One of my sons went to rehab and is doing so great. I am so proud of him, especially because of all he gave up in order to do it. That was one of the prayers the Lord answered for me. It took many years but God is faithful.

Can't overdo, so must cut this short. I will be catching up with your blogs a little at a time, so be patient okay? Miss you all so much. I am so looking forward to being in touch again.

Till next time, take care of yourselves.

Don't forget that Life Is Short..so create some awesome memories.

Love you much,

Barb