Good Morning

I never thought I'd be creating a post at almost 2:00 a.m., but here I am.
Today was a fantastic day, one of the best days I've had in a long time. I accomplished more than I have since Johnny died; was hopeful that everything was finally going to fall into place, kind of back to normal. Unfortunately, it didn't go the way I thought it would, which is why I am talking to you at this horrible hour.
    The odd part, is that I took the new sleeping pill my doctor put me on at 11;00, but instead of it making me drowsy, it got me so wired I could not shut my mind off. I have been tossing and turning on the bed since 11:00; finally realized sleep was out of reach again- was going to stay that way, at least for tonight.
So....
What to do...say...etc, etc...lol

I'll just chat, okay, about everything, since my mind is so full. Hope you'll overlook the way this post is thrown together. It definitely won't be something I'd ordinarily publish. The only reason I'm posting it is because I'm trying to get back on track with my blogs. I miss writing; it's what I love the most.
ON LIFE:
We miss out on what could be the most memorable days of our lives by rushing through each day; by continually worrying about things we have no control over, by being resistant to change, and by setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and sometimes for others.
    
On PEOPLE:
The world is full of people with different colored skin, different attitudes, different beliefs, different likes and dislikes. What never fails to amaze me is how hatred can exist between anybody, when in truth, we're all kindred spirits. We're exactly alike, though separate individuals, in a way. We all cry when we're hurt, laugh when we're happy. We all know what loneliness feels like, and fear, worry, discouragement and sadness. When a loved one dies, or one of our children is hurt, we understand that kind of pain. As well, when something wonderful happens, we all know what it means when somebody says, while laughing and crying at the same time." my cup is running over. " As the expression goes "go figure."   ( I think it a dumb expression but am using it anyway).



On LOVE:


Love is the most powerful thing in the world; can bring a man to his knees faster than the sun can melt an ice cube. I never knew real love until I met the Lord Jesus. He has shown me by His example, how powerful love is; how it has the ability to change the most vile, unkind person into somebody you almost don't recognize. His love has given meaning to my life, enabled me to scale mountains that intimidated me, enabled me to forgive people that almost totally destroyed me, enabled me to see the SHINY side of life. His love keeps my heart at peace midst the worlds chaos. His love keeps me full; satisfies my every need.

On FOOD
Who doesn't like to eat? I do, but know better than to eat something at 2:45 in the morning. BUT...if I were to make myself something right now, I'd have some strawberry shortcake, or at least strawberries with whipped cream.
   
BY WHAT PHILOSOPHY DO I LIVE?
People are more important than things.

FAVORITE THINGS:
Books: The Bible, Dynamic People Skills, The Harvester, The Prophet, For Whom The Bell Tolls.
Songs: Someday, Stardust, String of Pearls, You Lay So Easy On My Mind
Movies: Somewhere in Time, The Robe, Casablanca
Flower: Red Roses, Gardenias.
Holidays: Christmas, Johnny's and my Anniversary
Music: Some Jazz, some country, easy listening, gospel

Sports: Seattle Seahawks
Perfumes: My Sin, White Diamonds, Red Door

The Best Part of Being a Parent is:
Knowing the values I tried to instill in my children are there. It's knowing that I taught them what they needed to know in order to work, to get along well with others, to take chances in life, to be able to take care of themselves now, and after I'm gone.

The Worst Part of Being a Parent is:
Watching your children make choices you know will hurt them, or somebody else. It's having to be hard on them when you'd rather be easy; having to say no, when you'd rather say yes. It's being misunderstood- shut out, for simply trying to do your job as a parent.
    The worst part is not being able to kiss and hug their cares away as you did when they were little; it's having to let go...let them find their own way in the world; it's being unable to treat them to things you'd love for them to have.
If I'm lucky, before long I'll see some of these little guys. Haven't seen them around yet, but did see a beautiful doe earlier today. I was to slow getting to my camera, otherwise would have been able to share it.
Well, dear ones, it is now almost 3:15 a.m. and though I feel a little bit sleepy, finally, I know it's not going to get me to sleep. Still...I AM going to try. I feel so terrible when I don't get sleep.
  Thanks for being such good listeners, and for not being to harsh a critic regarding this post.

Take care,
Love you much,


BARB

Be Happy

I knew I could make you smile. And just for the record, dear ones, I didn't greet this morning like Garfield did. I was able to sleep last night, so unlike him, I enjoyed my coffee, and am looking forward to today's SHINY moments. Don't you love watching for them? There's something exciting about not knowing what is going to come your way; kind of makes it like a Forest Gump day, only without the chocolates.

I love summer, and all that comes with it, except for the triple digit days. If having a Genie lamp helped, I'd buy one- would change the weather man's prediction from 104-105 temps to within the mid 70 range. I am not looking forward to those high temps, but am grateful that I can at least be comfortable; so many people can't be. I keep thinking of the thousands who have been evacuated from their homes, keep thinking of the homeless, and those struggling simply to make ends meet. I remember a few years back when several senior citizens died during a heat wave. I truly hope it doesn't happen again, that people take time to check on their neighbors.


Time sure does fly by. The 4th of July is just around the corner, and once we're into September, the  year is over before you know it. I'm not one for making resolutions, but if I were, I know what it would be this time. It would be, for me to every day, say to myself

Why, out of all the things I could choose, would I choose this? Because the quality of my life would be better if I remembered to be as I was when a child.  Children view the world so differently than adults do; they see only the good in it, the beautiful. the colorful, shiny things.  They find pleasure in the simple, ordinary things. They don't start out each day worrying about this- or that- don't fret over any thing. We adults do.

Things, understandably change as we get older. Our life experiences cause us to become worriers, workaholics, oftentimes fearful,unhappy and insecure people. We get so caught up in our housework, jobs, hobbies, careers, computers, smartphones, and whatever else that distracts us, that we totally lose ourselves. Sometimes we don't realize how unhappy we are till a crisis arrives.
  I don't know how you feel about this happiness thing, don't know what happiness means to you. To me, it means contentment, and when I remember to tell myself" Be happy." it kind of readjusts my mindset, gets it back into the priority mode.
 
Saying to myself "Remember- be happy." is simply a reminder to myself to
stroll through the day, rather than rush; to not forget to enjoy the simple, ordinary things in life; the things that really count; those constant, eternal things that will always be there to uplift, comfort and bless, like: God's nightlights, the sunrise and sunsets, the ever-changing seasons that so subtly blend one into the other, the dew upon the grass, the song the wind sings.
    
Reminding myself to be happy  is just another way of reminding myself to  always be grateful for the many shiny moments God places within my hands; a reminder of just how content I really am.
    Saying the words does something else for me too. It reminds me that I will be as happy as I've a mind to be.

When we're happy, laughter will always be part of our lives. As hard as this journey without Johnny is I can honestly say I've not shut laughter out of my house. Humor is good for the soul, makes a sunny day even more sunny, don't you think?

This morning, seeing Garfield with that cup of coffee made me laugh. It reminded me of Johnny and his love for black. His favorite color was black. He had more beautiful black shirts and slacks than a woman has lipstick. :)
Every cowboy hat he owned was black (except one. It was brown, and he bought it because I liked it so much). But back to love for black.
   We were together for thirty-eight and a half years, and in all that time, out of all the coffee cups we went through, every one of his that got broken had to be replaced with another black one. I have one cup left, the last one he bought. It took us over a year to find it. He wanted the same kind he had which had gone out of style. We found the same cup but in yellow, white, a gold color and green. Nope! Had to be black. When we finally found the black one you'd have thought he won the lottery. lol
    I'll treasure that cup. Sometimes, when nights are hard and sleep an elusive thing, I use Johnny's black cup; brew some Sleepy Time Tea in it.

Well, dear ones, my hands are getting tight- hurting again so must close for now.  I usually check spelling, etc, but need a pain pill, so forgive any errors, okay? Thanks for listening and for the many prayers.

Love you much,


 Barb

Trying To Get It Together

I am not a happy camper, well, at least not yet. I don't know how I did it, but I accidentally pushed the (set) button on my alarm clock while dusting it last night. It went off at 5:00 a.m. Did it wake me? Are you kidding? I didn't realize how fast I could move. Sounds amusing I know, but it wasn't. It had taken me a long time to fall asleep, so when I finally did, I was sleeping hard.  I didn't struggle to wake up, like from anesthesia, but sat up quickly, too quickly.My  heart was beating so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I felt disoriented and dizzy. It took a few seconds to get my bearings, to know everything was alright, that I was alright. Stupid clock!!!!!

Once I was awake, I couldn't go back to sleep. I gave up, and got up, muttering to myself, which I know would have made you laugh, if you'd heard the things I was saying, and seen the things I was doing, or trying to do. Heck, I laughed at myself.
     
I have done some really funny things, especially when overtired, or just not paying attention to what I'm doing, like when I  grabbed the wrong can and sprayed my hair with deodorant, instead of hair spray; or like when I went to brew coffee- did everything except put the coffee in the filter: turned it on, and wondered why only water came out.  Wish you could have heard my Johnny laugh when I did those things. He laughed so hard his eyes teared up.
Life just isn't the same without him, but I'm doing okay. I can't say things are going as smoothly as I'd like them to go, but can say that at least I'm not stuck like I was for awhile. I was so miserable I almost couldn't function, was running on automatic, I think. Thank heavens for routines; they're what kept me sane.

This post was for yesterday but I'm posting it today; to tired to start over.
I didn't sleep well last night either, so am twice as tired, but decided to post anyway. If I don't- I never will; there's always something distracting me. I'm sure that happens to you too. Well, not to some of you. Ma, for instance, posts every day. I used too- really miss being on track but can only do what I can do. So what's going on in my life?

What's going on in my life is a lot of what's going on in yours: health problems, financial concerns, a lot of tears from missing my Johnny, though I don't cry as often now, and when I do, thank goodness the pain is not so raw- doesn't always leave me with that gutted feeling. There are family members suffering horribly, situations going on that sadden my heart, relationships going down the tubes for no reason except an unwillingness to forgive.

There is a lot of sadness in my life at the moment, some really difficult things to cope with, but I still believe in love, in people- myself included. I still find life an exciting thing, something to be treasured and appreciated. It's still, in my opinion, full of SHINY moments, millions of beautiful things to see, strangers, that will one day be my friends, and of course, always opportunities to make a difference.
 
I'm often asked what keeps me strong. My first answer is the LORD; without Him I'd never have made it this far in life. The second thing that keeps me strong is remembering that life runs on opposites; remembering that helps me not go off the deep end when I'm confronted with another trial.  
    Today may be a crappy day, but that doesn't mean tomorrow will be a crappy day too. Who knows?  Tomorrow could turn out to be one of the best days of my life, or yours.  I've had it happen that way before.

I'm so tired my mind doesn't want to work. That being the case I'm just going to share a poem I wrote on April 28, 1990. I wrote it a half hour after Johnny, our son, and I were in a wreck ( during the winter-driving a semi).

Will I Ever Know Why

Diamond dust in the heavens,

Lord, again I see,

Fields of grassy meadows,

And Trees that worship thee.
Flowers of every color- mountains so high.
You saved my life again, Lord,
Will I ever know why?

Children's happy faces,
My grateful heart can see,
"I love you." from a stranger,

But the words, Lord, came from thee.
Gentle winds upon my face- mountains so high.
You saved my life again, Lord,
Will I ever know why?
 

I heard the glass shattering,
The world begin to spin,

The still, small voice whispered,
"Child, call quickly upon Him."
So I called "Oh Father help us."
As I began to cry.

And you saved my life again, Lord,
Will I ever know why?
________________________________

I pray all well with each of you today; that you're creating some wonderful memories with those you love. Thank you for loving me, for all your support too.

Love you much,

 

2nd half of Gift To My Sister

P- The Past
Parting with the past is not only the most necessary thing, but also the hardest to do. Yet if we do not open our hands and turn loose of it, it will forever mess up the today's of our lives. There is nothing the past has to offer except guidance as to what not to do.It also helps us understand how we came to be the person we are. When taking a look into the past, linger only upon the good, positive, beautiful, uplifting things. If we're willing, the past can make the present a beautiful place to be.

Q- Quitting
I don't consider myself a quitter, but did give myself permission to quit the following things:

1- I quit putting negativeness into my head.

2-I quit believing what people say about me, if what they say pulls me down, 
    is untrue, or causes me to feel badly about the person I am.

3- I quit listening to gossip.

4- I quit living in yesterday.

5- I quit expecting to much of myself.

6- I quit worrying about things I am not responsible for or can do nothing
     about.   
    
7- I quit explaining my actions and life to people.
 

R- Rivers, Rest, and Reason.
  
These three things would probably not enter the minds of most people. Still, it is one's uniqueness that makes life so mysterious, delightful, so much fun.
Rivers came to mind because they give me peace midst a crisis. Rivers, lakes, especially the ocean, bring me face-to-face with God, with myself- with life.
     Rest comes to mind whenever I am around water. It's almost as if I enter another world when I'm around them; a world different from this one. It gives me time to regain mental and emotional strength, my poise and courage, enables me to better hear what it is God would have me hear.
    Reason is a word I've finally come to terms with. I like it because I've come to understand that I don't have to know the why behind everything. It is enough to know that I am here, and have a million choices open to me. So do you.

S-Solitude- Silence
Solitude  brings me freedom from that which entraps and smothers me; gives  me opportunity to view things differently, to discover new ways of doing things. Mostly it brings me to my own special place with God. Solitude helps me face the real me, enables me to recognize areas that need changing, as well as how much I've grown.
      Silence allows me to hear what I think God is telling me; lets me hear the grass grow, butterfly wings, the sigh of a tired universe. In silence, I find the God I cannot see, but love and believe in.

T- Trust/ Today
Trust must be a part of our lives; without it we remain afraid and insecure. I've been able to teach myself to trust. I do it moment-by-moment, the way I try to live my life. I doubt that I'll ever be able to fully trust another person any other way, but what matters is that I'm making the effort.
     Today is my life. Consequently, I taught myself how to live in the moment. I strive to do my best, to spend the moments of my life appreciating what I am doing ,and who I am doing it with. I treasure the moments given me each day, because having come so near to death so many times, I am better able to see the good in hard times; instead of resisting them, I accept them and learn more about myself in the process.

U- Universe

As huge as it is, I know God desired me to have a place upon it, or in it. I have a right (so do you, Sis), to what I help others possess. I am a unique person with both good and bad tendencies, not better than anybody- but no worse.
   Whenever you are given to quiet contemplation, try to remember how uniquely different you are. God made you that way because nobody can be YOU better than You.

V- Victory
Victories become ours when we become wise enough to acknowledge our good points, rather than focusing upon the bad; when we're able to stand up for ourselves - make the decision to take responsibility for our own happiness.
     Victories are becoming yours even though you're not yet aware of some of them. I see them, and am proud of your fighting spirit, your graciousness under pressure, your willingness to believe in love in spite of the terrible things that have been done to you.

W-Wisdom
Wisdom is something we've all a little of; it's incorporating it into our lives that some of us fail to do. Knowing what to do isn't worth a thing if we aren't putting to use what we've learned.
X-Tra-

There is always extra time for you in my life, Sis, no matter when you need me. Remember that.

Y-YOUYou are important, much loved, greatly admired. Don't shortchange yourself.

Z- Zero

Never allow your life to become a Zero. You'd be missed . You matter to me. Stay centered, Sis. As well, remember what we want to fill our lives up with; those things that will bless others: Patience, kindness, gentleness, mercy, forgiveness, and love.
 

My 1991 Christmas Gift To My Sister

As most of you know, my youngest sister died only eight months before my sweet Johnny did. While tidying up my computer desk last night, wondering what to post about, I came across a copy of the Christmas gift I'd created for her. The contents blessed her, but me as well. It is my prayer, that sharing the gift may bless some of you as well. I'll be posting this in two parts.


Christmas-1991


Dear Sis,

    These pages are my contribution to your Christmas. Along with the enclosed mood tape, I hope you'll pencil in some quiet time for yourself, so that you'll be able to meditate upon the contents of this gift.. Were I like you, honey, I'd attempt to create a special drawing, but my talents are not in pastels, oils- artists paper. Consequently I'll be relying upon memory, vision, feelings, and beliefs, in order to create a special gift of my own.
    Please remember to read these writings from time-to-time so you'll not forget how special, how unique you are, how loved; so that the words contained upon these pages become part of your days and nights, part of what your private world consists of.

A- Always be yourself.
   
Those that truly love you will accept the person you are: those that cannot will cheat themselves out of something precious.

B- This letter stands for Beauty.
    
We see ourselves negatively when displeased with our lives, or with the reflection we see in the mirror. But in truth, we're not what we feel, not what we look like either: that's just the wrapping on the package. Who we really are is what our words, actions, and desires reveal us to be.
     Rejection by another person isn't always your fault. Sometimes it's simply that that other person lacks knowledge of what love truly is; sometimes it's a sign of immaturity and selfishness, an unwillingness to respect your rights.

C- This letter stands for Courage, Caring, and Calmeness
You possess great courage, even though you don't recognize it as that. Courage will eventually get your life back on track, turn your dreams into realities, and enable you to do what must be done.
    Caring for yourself is as important as caring for others. Nobody understands your needs better than you do. Taking time for the person you are will ensure that you have strength to care for those you love.
   Calmness is the ultimate high. You know this from time spent listening to music by Mozart, Bach or other musicians, know it from moments spent alone near the ocean. Calmness midst chaos is a mighty weapon; one that seldom lets us down. The letter C, also stands for the small child within you: give her back her life. That child is entitled to laughter and sunshine, humor, respect, and a lot of love. (I love that little girl).

D- This letter brings to mind Duty and Day.

  Duty requires doing necessary things, but our duties are not always what others claim them to be. We alone know where to place the boundary- the safety line. Place yours, honey, wherever it needs to be in order to protect you. Keep yourself safe.
    A Day is 24  hours of moments given us to spend however we wish. Don't allow other people to pencil in your life moments; don't allow them to tie up your time taking care of things they are responsible for. I wish you success in learning how to "live in the present moment."

E- EVERLASTING
  That is what God's love for us is; that's how my love for you will always be. Not all things last forever. Seasons come and go, in spite of our wanting them to stay; changes come- and will continue to come, many of them leaving us devastated, angry, alone, sad, frustrated, and fearful. Fortunately, though there is no security found in people, places, or things, we're always able to call upon God, who is always home for His children.

F- Family




Our perceptions of what family is will differ according to background, beliefs, nurturing (or lack of). We cannot choose the family we're born into, but do have the capability of making our family as special - as close as we wish to. It is wise, I think, to consider what family once meant to people, then strive to have that for ourselves.
  Time passes swiftly, and it is our choices, after all, that determine what our last days will be like; who is in our lives or out, if we have comfort or not, or even a hint  of understanding. I love your family. They have helped fill the deep hole within my heart.

G- Greatness
Of heart. You're always reaching beyond yourself in order to do for somebody else. You have given to me and my children many times, almost always when you really didn't have it to give. I thank you for that; for loving my children so much....and me.

H- Hope

Hope is the flame that keeps us alive; keeps us creating dreams, building towers in the sky.
    I thank God for the hope within you, however dim that hope may be. I am aware that it is the hope that keeps you here. Don't let go, sis, no matter how discouraged you become. God has planned your life- is with you at all times, loving  you more sweetly, more fairly, more unconditionally than any human ever could. I cannot explain this, just know it to be true.

I- This letter is self-explanatory.
 
Most people's lives and sentences revolve around themselves, while you and I, Sis, have had to teach ourselves to care for the person we are. It's been difficult for us to recognize that we're entitled to the same kindness, compassion, love, and patience that we extend to others. But we learned! You are important- Do matter. Never forget that.

J- Justice
 There isn't much justice around any more, I know. I know too, that life hasn't always been fair to you, nor have those you loved and trusted. But when you think about it, you can know that you always went the extra mile for people. Oh, I know, as you said once, "My anger gets in my way." We all have flaws. Mine has gotten in my way too at times. It's okay. It will all balance out in the end. I promise! I know this, because God has, and is still, setting straight the crooked paths in my life.

K-keeping On

Keep on keeping on, no matter how steep the hill; the rewards are always greater then the trial just experienced. Keeping on is a form of control. Nobody else may view it that way but for us, it's true. You've kept on, Jackie. You've climbed when you wanted to sit, worked when you wanted to rest, lived when you wanted to cease living. You may not be aware of it, honey, but you're winning.


L- Love

It's  not always what we need it to  be, or there when we need it; at least that's the way I've felt at times. Love is always available, but not everybody recognizes that it's love we're needing. Their perceptions of love may be distorted because of their life experiences. What we have to remember honey, is that sometimes our needs are greater than what other people can cope with; the void within just to huge for others to fill.
   You have the love of this family always. You may have whatever we have, if you need it, and always have us, whenever a need arises.

M- Maybe

A maybe is better than a no, better than giving up. I've many times told myself "maybe I'll try writing it one more time." or "Maybe I can hold on for another five minutes." Maybe, if I give it another day." Keeping a few maybe's on hand is helpful. It  leaves life's doors wide open to new things, new beginnings, new choices.

N-NO!
Saying No is good for the soul. It took me most of my adult years to learn how to say the word without feeling guilty, sad, or bad about myself. It took years to learn how to incorporate it into actions that would lower my stress level while raising my low self-esteem.
   You deserve to experience peace and joy too. Do whatever you must do to get it. Using the NO word will lower your stress level, put you back in control of your life, and raise your self-esteem. Try it. It isn't easy but I know you can do it.

O- Omen

There are always signs telling us we're taking on to much. I'm learning to pay attention to those signs, though obeying them comes a bit harder. Still, I persist, do what needs to be done in order to be healthier. You're entitled to a good life, Sis, a better one. Listen to what your body is trying to tell you. Forgive yourself and just start over.

Just Sharing

How are you doing this morning? Did you wake up happy, excited, looking forward to the many things you'd experience for the first time today, or did you wake up already focused on yesterdays problems on your mind? I must confess I woke  with yesterdays problems upon my mind; not just mine, but those that friends and family members are trying to cope with.
    It is wise to be prepared, yet there are times we cannot be, for none of us know what tomorrow will confront us with. The best we can do then is to learn from yesterdays mistakes. Sometimes, even when we're doing our best, unexpected things happen: a divorce, runaway children, serious health and financial problems, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one are but a few.

    When we find ourselves confronting several difficult things at once, our problems seem larger than life. It's not unusual during these times to feel unappreciated, unloved, isolated and alone; discouragement settles upon us. I'm often asked what one can do. Below are some things that I do, things that help me keep afloat.

1- Reminding myself that A New Day offers an opportunity to start over helps. Sometimes when we believe we've failed, we've really not; oftentimes, succeeding just requires doing what we tried in a different way.  Gotta love do-overs, as we called them we were were kids.

2- The very first thing I do every morning, is turn the day over to the Lord. I tell him that I have no idea what the day will bring, whether good or bad, but know that He does. I ask Him to guide my speech, so that I will lift people up, not bring them down. I ask that He guide my steps, so that I don't wander down paths that will take me nowhere, and to keep me walking in ways that will influence others in a positive way.

3- I remind myself of how far I have come, of the things I have managed to do well; this is something that has helped me the most, especially these past five years. With so much going on in my life, some really hard things, I became very depressed, felt like the worst failure in the world.  Taking that backward look over my shoulder at what I have done well, at the decisions I made that took enormous courage, helped me put things in perspective. 

  

4- I don't let myself forget that:

a- Fear only has as much power as I give it.
b- The more I focus on what's going wrong, the larger my problem will seem to 
     be.
c- The kind of day I have is going to be determined by the choices I make, or

     don't make.
d- It's not the problem that causes so much stress, but my reaction to it.

*******************************************************************************************************


I want to thank all of you for praying for me, for keeping in touch, for the wonderful support you've given me since the death of my Johnny. I miss him dearly, still finding it difficult to start and end days without him but am doing okay. God keeps me afloat, optimistic and content. Thought I'd leave you with a few more thoughts from the book I've been working on for my Mom.

"From Solitude- From Silence"

1- Memory walks keep God's goodness up front.

2- Make your faith an action word: walk through life believing
    God has already laid out your tomorrow because He has.

3- There isn't always a need to speak;
     much of what I've learned has been through listening.


4- Do not make a mockery out of what you believe: if nobody condemns you,
    you yourself know whether or not you do right.

5- Sorrows of the heart heal only when one lets go.


Alright, dear ones, have to take meds and try to get some chores done. Take care of yourselves.


Remember now---