JUST CHECKING IN

I was going to  use a good morning graphic but felt, considering the circumstance, the above was much better. Losing Johnny has hit me hard. Even though I knew that goodbye was coming, the way it came was unexpectedly. I can't say that everything is good, because it isn't.  When death takes a loved one, nothing is ever the same again, not me- not my family- not the way we view things. But I do know, as I have so often said, that life runs on opposites:

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal, a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."
                                                                                                                   -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 Of all I am grateful for I'm grateful for having discovered Ecc. 3:1-8.
These verses simplified my life. Whenever unexpected trials confronted me, trials I didn't understand, I'd open my BIBLE and read the above verses again.
Reading them reminded me of what our trials make us forget; that life is not always a lovely, quiet, pond, but is often turbulent oceans. Though the knowledge doesn't change what I have to experience in life it gives me

HOPE to hold onto; reminds me that every trial comes to its own end.

     Today may be dismal and sunless, but that doesn't mean that the days following it will be. Even while experiencing this terrible pain of losing my beloved Johnny I can know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that down the way, the SUN shall find my place of residence again. Until it does, I have the SON to walk with, to talk with, to sit and be silent with. As well, I am surrounded by people who genuinely care for me, both family and friends. And I am discovering anew, the value of taking time to smell the roses.


To those of you who may be going through what I am going through, let me encourage you to not try to cope with your sadness alone. Better it is to open your arms and heart to those who love and care for you, those who want to comfort, uplift...and just be with you while you work your way through your loss.

To those of you who are having a good day, I encourage you to not take that for granted. Life is short, is a wisp of smoke- here- then gone. We have a tendency to not think about losing a loved one; it's too unpleasant. But if we were to think about it more often, I have a feeling families would be a lot closer than they are.

Thank you so much for all the love and support this past year. This journey has been one of the most difficult in my life. Having you to lean on made it less painful...the burden less heavy too.


Thanking you too, for my sweet Johnny, who every day, said to me
"Barb, You've got such wonderful friends. It comforts me to know that when I am gone you'll still have them to help you."
 May you continue to experience God's love every day.
May you continue to experience the honor of His presence
and the tightness of His embrace always.

Love you much-

Just a short note to let you know that my Johnny died Friday, Oct. 27.

Some of you already know this, but I've received emails from many who didn't.

Just wanted to make sure that those of you who have been so supportive of me and Johnny were made aware of it.

Love you all. Will post entry soon as I'm up to it.

Barb

The Promised Update

Hello, dear ones
     I decided to use the above graphic in honor of my sister, the one who died in February. It is fitting, I think, since I am in the process of losing my Johnny as well. I've not meant to ignore your requests for an update, and do apologize for taking so long to give you one. It's just that...well, to be honest, I guess I was in denial. Didn't realize it until I went to use the telephone. While searching for a number I realized I'd not yet deleted my sister's. There is was- staring me in the face, forcing me to make a difficult decision. Leave it and remain stuck in that area of grief, or move on as life demands. I wasn't able to delete it right away. But I did. Had too, just as I will have to put behind me certain things of Johnny's when he is no longer with me.
 
     Life is tough, isn't it, my friends, especially when it comes to things of the heart? We can't imagine ever losing those we love, just kind of take for granted that they will always be there. Then, one day, unexpectedly, we hear "There is nothing more the doctors can do for me," and hospice enters our lives.
It  entered mine- is taking Johnny away from me, from our children, sisters and brothers, grandchildren...people who know and love him.  I so wish this update could be better, but it is what it is. Our hospice nurse tells me his body is beginning to shut down, much sooner and much faster than we expected. It is very hard to cope with, yet the Lord makes sure that I can.
  
    As painful as it was to share the story I wrote about Johnny's and my  life together ( The Fragrance Of A Rose), I'm so glad that I did, so glad it is still online for anybody to read it who might wish to.
    Every time I read it I'm reminded of how wonderful God blessed us, of how far He has walked with us, of how blessed we are to have shared a love that has endured so much. But it is getting so hard now. The sadness within my heart oftentimes weighs so much I feel I cannot bear it. When I feel I cannot, I run to the Lord, and then to our story. I need to read our story often because Johnny is changing so much I scarcely recognize him any more. Reading our story enables me to see him as he was before sickness took over, as he was when we first met and fell in love. It helps remind me of his goodness, of how greatly the Lord changed him- and me. It reminds me of the many sweet things he did for me, how deeply he loves me- how far he went out of his way to make things right.
    I am losing him, dear ones, so fast, and it hurts so much. Still, the LORD is quick to comfort me, quick to wipe my tears- quick to hold me close to His heart. And HE is enough. The sadness doesn't go away, nor the pain, but oh, the miracle of that promised peace of Christ. It continues to hold me steady midst it all, and will always.

  

     Many of you are, like me, in the process of losing a loved one. I want to encourage you to not forget how close the Lord is. Don't let the sadness or pain weigh more than it needs too. Carrying it alone we'd not be able to bear it. But with His Righteous hand holding tight to ours, we can  handle anything.

 I wish you all good things, mostly that promised peace of Christ to be with you always.

Love you much,
  

My Mom & Dad

Good Morning,

     Today is a first for me, the first time I have ever shared this picture of my Mom and Dad. I treasure it- and them. I miss them both, and never quite as much as when I am hurting. I'm hurting today- very much, so took an extremely long memory walk- one which led me here- to my parents.
    My growing up years were not perfect or easy, so when I take a backward look, I never linger at the painful, troubled, chaotic moments. Instead, I revisit those moments that touched the deepest part of my heart, the moments when I learned something. 
   
I love studying this photo. It is the one time in my life that I remember seeing  peace upon Mom's face. She loved my father so much, every bit as much, if not more, than I love my Johnny. Before his death her blue eyes sparkled and danced, especially when she laughed. But on the day he died, as she gazed at him for the last time during the funeral service, the stars in her eyes went out; that special sparkle never came back. When Dad died, part of her died too, just as part of me will die when I lose my precious Johnny.
   
Death is like that; it steals one's joy, saddens a man's heart, often removes hope for a time, and fills one with a terrible numbness, which is actually a blessing in a way. At least I view it that way. The day my Mom died, I wrote in my diary "I never knew pain till I lost she who gave me life." The pain of losing my sweet mom was the greatest pain I've known, yet I bore it, and grew in ways I'd not expected to grow.
   
Our journey, my Johnny's and mine, is now way past the middle, much closer to the end then we'd like. The sadness within my heart is so heavy sometimes, often feels more than I can bear. But I know that I can- and will. I cry a lot more in my alone times now,  but the Lord, knowing  my need, my great sorrow is always there to wipe them away.
   
I grew up without my dad but loved him with all my heart. Sometimes, when discouraged, I imagine him with me. I ask "What would you tell me if you were here" I think he would say "Life's not perfect so don't expect it to be."
 Harsh, rather cold words, yes, but they are words that have helped me through life. They are words that have kept me strong, steady, hopeful."

If Mom were here beside me and I said, "This is so hard, Mom, so terribly hard." Her reply would be what it always was when I said something like that. She would smile that sweet smile, while taking cautious sips of her coffee, and say, "You've been through worse, Barbara, and you did what you had to do. You'll make it through this too."

I will! Just taking it a day at a time. Well, more like a moment at a time these days. So sorry I've not been able to respond to emails, letters and calls. I've not felt my best and wanted to spend all my time with Johnny. My hands are somewhat better, obviously. I typed this but that will be the end of it for a day or two.

  
If you're having a good day, give thanks, if not, don't lose hope. Just remind yourself that the choices we make determine, to a large degree, just what kind of day we'll have.

Take care of yourselves.
Love you much.

Drawing courage from yesterday

Today's been tough, extremely hard for me. About the time I think I'm on top of a situation, the ground gets pulled out from under me.  I had a good cry, and I mean a good one. Then, needing some comfort and reassurance I talked things over with the Lord; told him how overwhelmed I felt, how heavy the sad within me is. I talked a long time, then sat quietly, as always I do, waiting, knowing that before long the emptiness I felt- the deep sadness would soon pass. And it did. 
    It began to fade away as I read an earlier post of mine. I'm sharing it again here, more for myself, than for you, but do hope something in this post lifts your spirits or makes you smile.
     
My 2009 Post
 
Whenever I start the morning greatly appreciating my life, I take a memory walk, wanting to reconnect with people who inspired me, encouraged me, lifted my spirits,  or taught me something, people whose belief in me enabled me to believe in myself.
     I shared Gingerbread and hot chocolate with my Mom, my heart filling with admiration as she shared her life experiences, speaking softly, as always she did, about how love can go wrong, how important it is to remember that people are more important than things, and that doing our best is always good enough. Our last conversation left me with words that literally changed my life. "If you can be honest with yourself, she said, "about yourself, you'll find the quality of your relationships will improve. Why? Because when you look at another persons  faults you're now able to see your own."She's been gone a long time now, but sometimes, like today, it's as if she never left.

The second person I visited on my walk was my father. As in all families, and within all relationships, not all is perfect. It was so with us. But I've never focused on the hurting memories, of which there are many. Better it is, I learned a long time ago, to focus on the good in life, as well as in people. This being so, I revisited Sequoia National Park; ate cold watermelon as I observed my father, who stood leaning against a Redwood tree- gazing upwards while sipping a cold beer, looking happier than I'd ever seen  him. "It just doesn't get better than this."he said, smiling at me.
     I've never forgotten that moment or the sights, sounds, and smells of it. My father taught me many things (though none by example). The most important thing?
 1-Don't take life or people for granted.
 2- Learn to control your emotions- don't allow them to control you.
 3- Everybody deserves a second chance.
   
Next to visit was Tommy, the first love of my life. I rode his maroon and white bicycle again, danced with him, went horseback riding, and felt his strength when he embraced me for the last time. It's okay, Princess." he whispered, while brushing my tears away with his fingers. "I'll be back."
   He didn't come back, but what I learned from him kept me strong, has helped me through many a storm. He was unique, had the heart of a poet- was so tall in my eyes. He taught me the true meaning of integrity, loyalty, and friendship, taught me that I'm much stronger than I believe myself to be, and am able to do whatever I wish to do.

Next, I visited Pastor Joe, who introduced me to Jesus, enabled me to experience somebody actually living what God says love is. I spoke with former friends, spent an hour swinging on an old tire swing, then revisited the tree house Tommy built for me. "For when life's too heavy." he said.
     Oh, but I loved that tree house, spent many hours there doing nothing except think about life- about how unfair it was, the way it put heaven in your hands, only to snatch it from you when you least expected it. I thought about how noisy the world was, and how hard it was to find a quiet place. I thought about the present day- wondered what tomorrow would bring (if it would leave my life as it was or change it into something I would hate). Mostly I'd think about Tommy, wishing, praying, hoping, as his dad did, that we'd be together always.

We weren't together for always. But life goes its own way, doesn't it? And the years pass, each one confronting us with truths we're never quite ready to face like: waking up one day and realizing that not only has youth left us, but we are no longer in the middle-age bracket. It takes much longer now  to do things we once did so quickly- so easily. And we're not always comfortable with the stranger in the mirror, nor with our bodies, which far to often betray us.
   But we're always going through some kind of transitions, whether big or small. And not all changes are bad.

     Like many of you I'm facing difficult things: the death of a sister, another one recovering from a stroke, a third with Parkinson's, a son whose marriage failed, a daughter losing her home...and the list goes on. We're all going through hard times, but even so, we are blessed. Every one of us! So as I so often say, be brave and have courage. Every trial comes to its own end. There is always tomorrow with it's brand new opportunities.  What helps me the very most is not to remember who I am, but whose I am.

I wish you all good things: love, joy, laughter, peace, and hope.

As always, Johnny and I wish to thank each of you for your friendship, support, love, and prayers.

PLAYING BASEBALL

      It's been a really tough day, tough week actually, and it was so tempting to throw in the towel and say "I give up. I've had it," but I didn't. I absolutely refuse to do that. Giving up means I have lost- quit- and if a man quits, if he stops trying, he has lost already.
    
I never imagined that at this stage of my life I'd feel so lost, feel so totally drained. I feel like I started a race and never quit running; am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Being honest here. I almost lost it today- almost did. What saved me was taking a memory walk. It was a long one, took me back to when I was a twelve year old, the new kid in town, a threat to the girls, a new pitcher to the boys.
      Baseball was the game then; was played in the lot next to our house from morning till night, every day of the week. I loved the game, and it didn't take the boys long to find out that I was good at it. 
    Three strikes and you're out! That's the rule. When I was twelve, loving baseball as I did, I didn't realize there was a lesson to be learned from that rule, one that would enable me to climb the most intimidating mountains in my life. I didn't recognize the 3 strikes and you're out rule till later in life,  when I was three months pregnant with Johnny's child and had to go to my mother's funeral. I never knew such agony, wrote in my diary that day "I never knew pain till I lost she who gave me life."
     I so wanted to quit then, felt life not worth much without my Mom. I wanted, with all my heart, to quit, but each time I'd go to my diary, I'd read the word's I written and would remember how strong a woman my Mom was. I'd remember all the abuse she'd suffered, the many things she gave up in order to care for her children. She was steady, dependable, a rock, and I wanted to be like her, wanted her to be proud of me.
    That was when, out of nowhere, the thought came to me. Mom never quit. Not once! I asked the Lord to help me, and funny as this may sound to you, I believe he did. "Use baseball." Those were the words to came to me after asking Him for help.
    It was amazing. This is how I applied the baseball rule to my life. I gave myself 1 strike if I allowed my feelings to rule me instead of the other way around. I got the 2nd strike if I stayed on the pity pot for more than a half hour. Strike 3   being OUT would only happen if I failed to show up for life. I've been struck out twice, many times since the death of my Mom, but never struck out yet- never will be.
  
     Odd, isn't it, the way things work out sometimes?  Like this post, for instance. I had no idea what I was going to write about until that last little thing popped up, which isn't a little thing at all, but my Johnny's dying.  It hurts so much, dear ones, to lose bits and pieces of him every day, but...for now he is still here, still putting the SUN into my days, and you all know that sunshine makes for "SHINY" moments.
   
Be good to yourselves today. If you're facing intimidating mountains as I am, try using baseball to help you through it. If not baseball, then whatever it takes to enable you to hang in there. It's tough sometimes,I know, to show up for life when your heart is upon the ground. But I also know, from personal experience that showing up for life is worth it. It really is.

Take care. Be good to others and to yourselves too.
Johnny and I both thank you for all the love and support we are getting. We appreciate it so much.


   
                                  BARB And JOHNNY
   

What Song Do You Sing?

What is your song, your story? How have you named yourself? What word, when you say it aloud, rings true about this inner voice, in the deepest part of your heart?
When I whisper the word mother aloud I feel a sense of responsibility. When I say "child of an alcoholic" I feel lost and afraid, confused and very sad. When I say "friend" I feel caring, valued, sometimes overwhelmed. Every time I ask myself another question, I place myself on a different pathway in life, have a different set of lessons to learn- opportunities to give.
    Johnny's being on hospice has caused me to spend a lot of nights thinking about my life. I often find myself viewing it as a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle and get frustrated when pieces don't quite fit. This was how it was last night, after the sun began its journey to the other side of the world. I got Johnny settled down for the night and stood on our patio staring at God's nightlights. Then it was, that I recalled the beautiful story I am now going to share with you.

   There is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted- not from when they're born, not from when they're conceived- but from the day that the child was a thought in the mother's mind.
   
And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she's heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child's father and teaches him the song.  And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of the time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite the child to come.
  
And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child's song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old woman and the people around her sing the child's song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child's song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks the child up and sings it's song to it. Or perhaps if the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty--then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

     And it goes this way through their life, in marriage; the songs are sung, together. And finally, when the child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing, for the last time, the song to this person.

   What is your song, I ask again? Do you have one to comfort yourself, to encourage yourself? I"m not sure if this post will make sense to anybody reading it, but that's okay. It makes sense to me, is filling a need I have at the moment, an enormous need for comforting, which is why I went outside to gaze at God's nightlights; always lit so I can find my way home.

    My song? It is "How Great Thou Art."
    
There is nothing quite as comforting as staring up at the starry heavens. Doing that enables me to see just how small I really am, and just how great HE is- how absolutely Wonderful!
   

   For the love, friendship- support.
      Love you much,
     Johnny- Barb.

 

TEARS AND SMILES

 I meant to post this sooner but you know how it goes- life happens. Each time I determined to post this something else came up. It took awhile, but I finally got everything else taken care of so am taking time to chat with you.
     This entry is in response to all the emails I've received asking how Johnny is doing.  I hope that it lifts your spirits as much as sharing it lifts mine.

As most of you know, we've informed our family as to Johnny's condition so family members have been arranging their schedules in order to come see him. Our son, Mark was here a couple of weeks ago and Monday, two of his daughters came to see us. Oh, I wish you could have seen Johnny's face light up when the girls walked in. We've not seen them in, well, probably close to eight or nine years. Seeing them after all this time brought tears to our eyes. These two grand daughters grew up hanging out at our house. We have missed them a lot. Ever since Johnny got on hospice all he has talked about was how much he'd love to see everybody. He and I, especially the past month, have taken so many memory walks that for a short time we forgot where we really were, how close that final goodbye is.
     Our granddaughters brought me flowers, filled up our refrigerator with foods they thought we'd enjoy,  then cooked a special Mexican dinner because  they know that is their grandpa's favorite. He loved it- ate more than he usually does. Oh, my dear friends, this visit tired him so very much, but filled his heart too.
   In between catching up on everything they took all kinds of pictures, pics of Johnny and me, our son Christopher and his little girl Jennifer , pics of themselves with all of us too.
    Crying a bit as I type this out. It's kind of hard not to, loving Johnny as I do. This morning he is extremely tired, finding it difficult to stay awake so will no doubt sleep a lot. Before the end of the month these two granddaughters will be back, but this time will bring husbands and children. They'll rent a motel and take turns visiting us, just two or three at a time.
   I'm sure  by reading this update you can pretty much see just where Johnny and I are on our journey, more towards the end than the middle, but we are doing okay. We, our sons, and granddaughters cried a lot, but also laughed a lot while remembering former Christmas's Thanksgiving, birthdays, and summer time at our house.
    "We did good." Johnny said, last night, just after the girls left to return home. "We did." I said, and hugged him as tightly as I dared without hurting him. "But it's tiring you, even more than I thought it would." 

    "It is, Barb, but I wouldn't want it any other way."

Nor would I, dear reader. Life is all about tears and smiles; can't have one without the other. It just doesn't work that way. I've cried more this month than I have in a year and know it isn't the end of my tears, but more like the beginning. Still, as Johnny said, "I'd not have it any other way.
    Our life is filled with "Shiny" moments, and sometimes, even those awesome "Shiny"moments bring tears, just like these past two days did, but as I said, they go together, tears and smiles.
   Even tears shed during the darkest moments of our life are healing. They empty out the sadness within. They really do, and if we wait long enough- are patient enough, the sun will find our hiding place and enable us to smile again.

Thank you so much for all the emails, cards, letters and phone calls. I share every one with Johnny and every time I do he says," Baby, knowing you have such great friends in your corner, in our corner, takes a load off my mind. I know when i am gone you won't be by yourself. You'll have the Lord, yes, but people too, who really care for you and will be there for you. That means the world to me."   It means the world to me too. We both want you to know that .

Take care of yourselves. If you're having a hard day, remind yourself that every trial, every single one, comes to its own end. If you're having a great day, remember those who may not be, and do something nice for them.


Love you much,

Good morning, guys & dolls,

   I hope you woke to as much sunshine as I did but don't want it to get too hot for you. Our temps are supposed to be in the high 90's today- triple digits tomorrow. I am not looking forward to that.

    I meant to post this entry sooner but the arthritis in my hands is worsening and typing is getting more painful. I waited two days to see if they'd get better. They're not but I am posting any way, while I can. I wanted to share last months "Shiny" moment with you.

     Our oldest son came to visit us from Arizona, stayed two days. Oh, I wish you could have seen what that visit did for Johnny. It has been a long time since I heard him laugh- I mean really laugh, and he did, a lot. He and our oldest son  have always been close. They used to fish several times a week, worked on cars together, went to swap meets together, worked on odd jobs together, when things got tight. Before Johnny was forced to retire he worked in a barber shop, chose doing that because his health was failing and it was something he could handle. Our son owned his own barber shop, a beautiful one that he filled with things used in old barber shops, some over 100 years old. His shop was so unique it made the papers. People would get their hair cuts there just so they could check out all the antiques.
   
    I didn't realize how badly we all needed to see each other. Our son said taking the two days off was a huge blessing. "I'd forgotten what I gave up when we moved to Arizona." he said." I like living there but it is just so beautiful here. I'd forgotten about all the water, how green Oregon is, about all the trees."  He needed that break, had been making it on a mere four hours sleep a day. He was worn out.Our youngest son, our caretaker, wanted to go rafting with his brother but they were unable to this time.- hope to do it next time.
     Johnny is not doing well, has had a lot of really rough days this week, but he is here; is still with us. I know that one day, probably in the not so distant future, he won't be, but that is okay. It's not as if I am going through something nobody else ever experienced. Death is the part of life nobody likes to talk about, but sometimes we have too, miserable as that might make us feel. Johnny and I talk a lot, more now than before, because we know time is a fleeting thing- a wisp of smoke that is here- then gone. We focus on how good God has been to us, take memory walks together, stopping at all the places that pleasured us so much. He has given me so much of himself, everything I need to make it alone, though as I say so often, I won't really be alone; if I am alone, I am alone with God and there is not a safer, more wonderful place to be.
New beginnings! Every day offers us that; a do-over, as we used to call them when kids. A new day = a new way; opportunity to do better, to be better, to reach our goals, to make a difference in somebody's life.  What could be better than that?

 Take care. Life is short so create a wonderful memory  today.
 Love you much.
                   
Barb


  



   

Yep, that's me, trying to keep my balance as thoughts swirl within my head, sometimes so fast I can't keep up. That being the case, I'll just let my fingers keep walking as my mind keeps talking (and hope) it makes sense to you.

    I woke up to sunshine instead of the rain we had yesterday. I love the way our world smells after a rain, smells so clean and fresh- so pure.
    I sipped the one cup of coffee I allow myself per day while sitting on our patio. It felt good to be alone for that short period of time, to not have to be doing something. It seems like years since I've been able to take a quiet hour for myself, the one I always looked forward to each day. Oh, I do take time to come online and update my journals, if I have the strength and am not too tired. And I do take time to check up on my family and friends, to see how they are doing, to find out what their needs are, and to thank them for being there for me. But that is not the same as the quiet hour I got used too, the kind of hour that so blesses me, fills me to the brim with optimism and renewed hope.
   
The kind of hour I am referring to is when I sat outside in the early morning hours, usually before the world woke up, long before the sun had began its journey to the other side of the world. I'd sit and do nothing but look, feel, and listen. I'd look at the sky and the trees and the flowers, whose faces still had a while to wait before being touched by the sun.  I'd look at the apartments around me, and the houses, and pray for the people inside. I'd watch the stars disappear from my vision, one by one, and then start listening as the world began to stir. I'd hear a baby's cry, the sound of a car starting up, an airplane passing over. I'd hear a door open and close, a telephones insistent ring.  I'd hear a cab driver honking his horn, reminding somebody that he was waiting. Then I'd hear stirrings within my own place of residence and sigh, knowing another day had begun.
    I let myself feel whatever it was I felt, whether good or bad, knowing that feelings are just that-feelings, nothing more- nothing less, then stood a moment longer before going back inside.
     Johnny's smile did its magic, reminded me of what truly matters. "Good morning, sweetheart." he said, as he ran shaky fingers through his hair. "Did you sleep better last night? Did I do better this time?"
   "You did. You actually made it till 3:30 before having to wake me."
  " I hate waking you at all. I really do."
   "I know. But that's okay. It just gives me that much more time to visit with you." I said this, knowing that as soon as he took his meds and had coffee he'd be drowsy again, would fall asleep either in his bed, or in the recliner next to it. He is beginning to sleep more, a good sign in one way- a horrible sign in another. Still...it is what it is, and life must go on- will go on.

This graphic on the left is one I treasure. It reminds me of what not to do, which is to try to hide from what is uncomfortable, painful, and intimidating. It reminds me of how many years it took for me to learn that fear only has as much power as I give it. It ran my life for a long time. What a relief it was to finally be able to stare it down.
    As painful and miserable as trials make us feel sometimes they are good for us. Truly! They teach us things like compassion and patience. They reveal to us that we're much stronger than we believe ourselves to be, and that the word can't becomes CAN when we make just a simple change in the word- and  our attitude.


Well, I warned you; told you some of this might not make much sense to you. Mostly I'm kind of venting a bit, needing too. This journey I'm on catches me off guard every once in awhile, reminds me how wise it is to pencil an an hour to myself, an hour where I don't have to do anything, can just relax and be.

 There are things still needing to be done today, but I'd like to share just one more thing; it's what I call pocket change. We all have a little, a few dimes, a penny, maybe two nickles in our purse or pants pockets, giving little thought to its importance until we go to purchase something and realize our paper money isn't quite enough, we need a little pocket change to go with it.
    So it is with those small things in life, things we seldom, if ever think about, simple things that take so little time, like saying please, thank you, excuse me. Oh, we never forget to say these things when away from home; say them all the time to strangers. But what about our families and our friends? It takes a little pocket change sometimes in order to purchase necessities of life- takes good manners and thoughtfulness if we wish to bless and enrich our relationships and add quality to our lives.

Every day is full of the Lord's blessings, "SHINY" moments to lift us up, encourage and strengthen us, help us grow, and to remind us of how much we are loved. Hard times come to us all. How long they linger is determined by how much of a welcome they get- and what kind of attitude we have.

Stay sweet, kind, tenderhearted and gentle. Be good to others but also good to yourselves. Take care, and thanks for the love, friendship and support

Good morning,

 I know many of you, like me, are going through some difficult times which is why I chose to use the above graphic. When trials confront us, tear huge holes in our comfort zones we tend to pull back from things; from family, friends and life. Our trials at times seem so huge, so intimidating that we feel we'll surely drown, that the waves of the storm will pull us under. But as you can see, they don't. We're still here. Oh, perhaps we're still hurting, still feeling like a child left alone in the dark, still nervous about the future, but we are making it through each day, a moment at a time, which actually is the best way to live life.
  
My heart is so full of sadness right now knowing how ill my Johnny is, but there is nothing I can do that I haven't done. I fretted about this for the longest time, prayed about it and talked to the Lord about it many times, the last time being yesterday. I told him how concerned I was about being alone after being with Johnny for so many years, told him I felt very uncertain, though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is always with me. "I worry about the many decisions I will have to make. His reply? "And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when you turn to the right and and when ye turn to the left." Isaiah 30:21
     I was immediately comforted, just as I am when I take time to realize how blessed I am to have all of you for friends. You continue to pray for us, to keep in touch with me, are there for me just as I have tried to be there for all of you. I made the choice today to live- laugh- love.
    

LIVE

To live means to be active, to participate in life rather than remain a spectator. It means being alert to the many opportunities each day offers for growth. It means to be (alive). Now it might seem odd for me to express it this way, but think about it. How alive are we if our focus point is upon our trials rather than family and friends, or the Lord? How alive can a man be if his heart is upon the ground instead of soaring?
Using myself as an example:
    When I allow my sadness and sorrow to consume me I find myself literally pulling away from loved ones, wanting only to sit down somewhere, wrap my pain about me like a comfy blanket and be left alone. My depression spills onto everybody around me, especially my sweet Johnny. Some of you have told me that I try to make things to simplistic, that life isn't that way. I don't mean too. It's just that I've  always believed that a man can be as happy as he's a mind to be. True there will be bad days, some really hard times, but good days find their place..as does the sun.

LAUGH
Laughter is good for the soul-is contagious. I think that sentence speaks for itself, don't you?  This world has become such a busy, hectic place that too many of us have forgotten how to relax and have fun. We've forgotten how wonderful we thought the world was when we were kids. Yes, things have changed, and not for the better, but there is still good in the world, still opportunity to create some spectacular "Shiny" moments, memories to hold us steady when hard times come.


LOVE : This word needs no description does it? We all know how it feels to be loved; how good it feels to be listened too, to be noticed, to be heard, to know that you have at least one person in your corner no matter what. Let's be more alert to those in our area, in our church, community, neighborhood, even in our family who could use a little TLC, and having found those in need, let's do something about it?


Keep singing, maybe whistle once in awhile, and while you're at it try something new.

   My apologies for the way this post is thrown together. I'm quite tired, mostly just sharing things I've been thinking about. Thanks for taking time to read what I've written and for being such great friends.

                                                       LOVE YOU MUCH,

 




    

I hope this post finds all of you doing well. Hope too that you are enjoying this 4th of July. It's the first time we've not celebrated it in almost 39 years. We would now but Johnny is too sick, and no matter how many people prompt me to take a break and do something for myself I can't bear to be away from him. His health is failing rapidly now and I'd never forgive myself if I lost him while away from home. That being said what do you say I move on to other things?

    I woke to the sound of birds on our patio and the warmth of the sun. It was nice; far better than honking horns, airplanes taking off, and arguments coming from the next door apartment. Johnny was still asleep  so I had a rare chance to wake up slowly while enjoying the silence around me. I didn't have a long time alone, but enough time to think about how my days are now, as compared to how different they will be in too short a time.

     Changes used to intimidate me but I've grown a lot in the past ten years.  I can now view changes, even the major ones, as simply an interruption, sort of like a phone call bearing bad news. The phone  call interrupts what I'm doing, but while talking on the phone life doesn't pause, allowing the change to be put neatly into a cubicle.

    Changes create holes in our comfort zones. They interrupt our daily routine, can rearrange our lives, challenge our beliefs, remove possessions or people from our lives. It helps to remember that life is change, and change is life.
    

    Whenever life gets complicated and I find myself feeling overwhelmed, when too many changes come too quickly, I am comforted knowing that some things never change. Like what you may ask? Well, like the rising and setting of the sun, like the dependable way seasons pass one into the other, as gently, as quietly as the ending of a day, like the way the laughter of a baby can put a smile upon our face even midst our depression, like the way God so faithfully turns his night lights on so we'll know he's there should we need him.
     And then there is that wonderful, unchanging thing called memory. It serves us so well, is such a comfort, especially when we've lost, or are about to lose a loved one. I can tell you from my own personal experience how empowering memory walks are. They allow us to relive parts of our life that we will never again experience. Remembering, for instance, my Mom, I not only see her in her rocking chair, but can smell the toast she just made and the fresh coffee.
    If I walk backwards, in the corridors of my mind I often stop at the old, green house  we lived in when I met the first  love of my life, the boy with the 1,ooo watt smile. I can feel his hands on mine, can feel his fingers tugging on my hair..can hear his voice saying, "I love you, honey girl."
  Memories are such a blessing. I thank the Lord always for creating such a wonderful thing. I will be taking a lot of memory walks when I lose my Johnny, have 38 1/2 years worth of precious memories to hold onto.
     Whatever changes are going on in your lives, I pray they are good ones. If not, I pray that you are able to remember that life runs on opposites; not every day will be good- not every day bad. Each has its turn.

I've gotten behind on chores so best sign off now. Remember how unique you are, how special- a one of a kind. Be good to others and good to yourselves too. Have an awesome day.

                                           

   

Hello, guys & dolls,

I know it is afternoon, but I like the above graphic so much I just had to use it.
On a day like today, I'd love to go to the coast. It is only a short drive from our place, perhaps two and a half to three hours, but those days are gone, at least for now. My sweet husband, as most of you know, is on hospice, which of course changes everything. I so wish he wasn't so ill, that he was well enough for one last trip but unfortunately, he's not. He's pretty much confined to either the bed, or the chair next to his bed. Both are in the living room. We chose to put the hospice bed there because it's the brightest room. As well, he's able to see the outdoors through the sliding patio door.
     I've missed visiting with all of you, but know you understand my absence. I also wish to take a second here to thank you for the great support you've given me through emails and cards. Those unexpected surprises have helped me so much....far more than you know. I don't get a lot of sleep because I'm up and down throughout the night meeting Johnny's needs. Sometimes, when I've had to get up from a sound sleep and am unable to get back to sleep I read your cards and emails again. It is such a help. This journey came unexpectedly, is one that we, of course did not wish to take. But this journey is one that most of us will take at some point in our lives. And like all life's experiences there is something we can learn from the trial if we so choose.
    I must admit that when Johnny first came home and said, "Honey, there is nothing else the doctors can do for me," my reaction was like yours would probably be. I resisted! I dragged my feet, refused to accept the reality of the situation, refused to believe that in a very short time I was going to lose my Johnny. Not accepting it of course just made the changes...the journey, that much more difficult- that much more painful. It took awhile for me to recognize how futile struggling was, took awhile for me to accept that no matter what I did...I could change nothing. Johnny couldn't either, though like me, he remained in denial for quite awhile.
    Many years ago, when I created my first blog "Hey Let's Talk," and shared my life experiences as I lived them I often got negative comments left. Readers said, "Barb, how can you make public such things, especially your mistakes?"
I guess I'm remembering that because I'm still sharing, only much more in detail, a lot of it some pretty painful things. Still, I am convinced that it was, and still is a good thing. I know it is for now, instead of negative comments I hear things like "I am amazed at how much you share. I've wanted to share, needed too, but did not have the courage." or "I'm so glad you share the negative in your life as well as the upbeat things. Knowing that I am not alone, that other people are going through the same thing I am has made me feel less lonely, has given me courage to start a blog too."
     My most recent question by email was "Barb, how do you manage to stay so upbeat, so positive when so many hard things are going on in your life?"
My response was"  I lean on the Lord, and I always, every single day, look for a "SHINY" moment, a shiny moment being  a moment that distracts me from my sadness. Watching for those special moments helps nurture my desire to remain grateful, to never take for granted God's goodness to me. 

    Life runs on opposites, you know. A birth-then a death, a wedding- a divorce, a sunrise- a sunset, etc. Focusing only on the negatives of life makes one unhappy, unmotivated, ungrateful, sad, depressed...downright miserable. I do have my down days, but  don't allow myself to stay down. Guess I am just not willing to miss out on the better moments of life, the moments that make us smile, feel good, dance, act silly, sing, whistle; those times when we find ourselves so content we almost feel out of place in this world where so many people are rushing through their day, worrying, being angry, bitter, afraid.
   

 
    Wherever this day finds you I pray you are not forgetting how special and unique you are. I pray that you are as gentle with yourself as  you are to others and that you will remember, as I try to do, that we're always stronger than we believe ourselves to be.
     Here is something I read that I took to heart and it has served me well. If you apply it to your life I believe it will serve you well too.

"Get still; tell your heart the Truth;
act on it; leave the results to God."


Have an awesome day.





  

WHAT LOVE IS NOT

One of the saddest things about abusive relationships is that more often than not, family, friends, and loved ones are in denial about what is going on. Having grown up the way I did, I thought horrible things like what I was experiencing only happened at our house. I didn't realize till I'd grown up that probably five out of ten friends were experiencing the same thing I was.  Now, as a mother of six children and many grandchildren, I'm more than concerned about domestic violence and child abuse, which is why I'm writing on this.

 1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner.
1 in 4 teenage girls have been pressured to have oral sex or to engage in intercourse.
Nearly 80 % of girls who have been physically abused in their relationships continue to date the abuser.
Of the women between ages15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by husband or boyfriend.
Less than 25% of teens say they have discussed dating violence with their parents.
   Teens report dating abuse via technology is a serious problem.

71 % of teens regard boyfriends/girlfriends spreading rumors about them on cellphones and social networking sites as a serious problem.
68% of teens say boyfriends/girlfriends sharing private or embarrassing
pictures/videos on cell phones and computers is a serious problem. Cell phone calls and texting at unimaginable frequency mean constant control day and night.
 Nearly 1 in 4 teens in a relationship (24%) communicated with their partner via cellphone or texting HOURLY between midnight and
5:00 a.m.
One in three teens (30%) say they are messaged 10, 2o, 30, times an  hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they are doing, or who they are with.
 This is Partial Statistics from (Liz Claiborne,Inc.study conducted by
Teenage Research Unlimited; Feb. 2005). 

The problem is much worse today. We have to do something, must do something besides wring our hands and pray. What can we do? A good place to start would be to begin teaching our children, both boys and girls, what LOVE IS NOT!
    We  must teach them, at an early age that love is not: hitting, slapping,
punching, pulling, choking, shoving, spitting, hurting. It is not cursing, insulting, criticizing, constantly telling others how fat they are, how short they are, how ugly they are, or how stupid and dumb they are.
It is not saying. "If you loved me you would.'" It is not saying, "It's your fault I got angry."
It is not saying."See what you made me do"
Love is not tearing down-it's building Up.
Love is being kind, patient, helpful, treating others the way we
wish to be treated.

It is not surprising that so much abuse is going on. Children become what they see and experience.  I'd love to hear your opinion on this. For more information you can go to  http://www.teensagainstabuse.org/

Please don't just read this. Pass it on to others and start teaching the little ones you know about love. If we start teaching our children, while they're little, what LOVE IS NOT, they're not likely to wind up in abusive relationships;they'll  recognize abuse when they see it. And recognizing the signs will save lives.

Take care now,