A Tribute To My Sister, Jacqueline

 It is a hard thing, hearing that your youngest sister died. When you died, honey, a part of me died too. The first image upon my mind when I heard the news, was not how you looked today, but how you looked when you were a little girl, pretty much like the little girls above. You were sitting at the side of our house, in a pretty pink dress, that was now all mud stained because you were making mud pies. Your talking blue eyes fairly danced as you held a pie out to me, wanting me to taste it. Your Shirley Temple dimples, deepened when you smiled and talked.
You were such a beautiful thing, like a little doll, almost. You didn't change much as you grew up, except you grew more beautiful, and not just on the outside. You married and had children. I married and had children too. Your marriage turned out to be a good one, my first one didn't.You were there for me whenever I needed you.

I miss you already, but am so grateful that I can take a million memory walks and visit with you any time I want too, and I will. I'll remember the time I spent a week with you, and while there discovered that I could write stories, so wrote a special one for Johnny's and my 16th Anniversary. It was so much fun typing out a few pages, then taking a coffee break and sharing them with you. You were so proud of me, so amazed that I could write such things, even more amazed than me, I think. |

I'll remember the two of us putting on a record, then each of us writing out whatever came to us while listening to the music.

I'll remember the word games we played, the hours we'd spend at your kitchen table, talking about everything from bugs to religion. I'll remember the kindness you bestowed upon me when Johnny accidentally tossed out the story I'd been writing on, the first one. I was so crushed that I was unable to write for a long time, didn't even want too. Then one day, you sent me a precious email that said, "Sis, about the lost book. Let it go, Barb. What you lost was words on paper, but the story is still in your head and upon your heart."
Those few words have helped me more times than I can say.

Jackie, you and I had our differences, as sisters sometimes do, but beneath it all we both knew that love was there- love and the desire to be united again. It hurts to lose you, but in all the ways that count I've not lost you at all. You'll remain in my heart and we will see each other again. The loss is so painful, honey, but I am so glad that you are no longer hurting, no longer sad or having to struggle to simply make it through another day.

I could have chosen a different picture for this entry, but as I said, the first

image that came to my mind upon hearing that you were no longer with us was the one of you as a little girl. Goodbye, sweetheart. I shall always love you, always miss you.

Just Sharing

Romans 8:28

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love
God...."

 When I was nine, I was bored and becoming a pest to the adults around me, so my uncle gave me an old clock to tinker with. I held it to my ear, while listening to it's soft ticking sound, and then, being curious, I took it apart. I was too young to understand what made it tick  but did discover that it took many different parts to make the clock work.
 
Like the clock, a man requires more than one part if he is to function properly and be able to cope with the realities of life. He could not possess just one part and be complete; could not, for instance just have patience. If patience was all he had, what would he do if he found himself in a situation that required courage or faith? What if he were to need compassion, or understanding. wisdom, mercy, or strength? We need a lot of parts in order to not just cope with the harshness of life, but to be able to appreciate and value it as well.
 
The world our wonderful God created, is made up of opposites: night-day, sorrow-joy, spring-winter, etc. We could never appreciate the more colorful one, the one that makes us happy unless we've first tasted the
bitterness of the trials we've experienced. God does not always send the trials we're confronted with, but he most definitely allows them. How else could He make sure that we have the parts we'd need in order to overcome the difficulties in our lives, as well as be a blessing to those around us who are hurting? Yes, there is a harshness to life; much pain and enormous sorrow, but there is always their opposite.
    Whenever I see a rainbow, I see the darker colors as the trials I've been through, the brighter colors, as joy; the JOY  God gave me for trusting Him during the  darkest moments of my life: the death of my parents, a betrayal, a failed marriage, having a child in an abusive relationship  for years, the loss of a very dear friend, a job, two precious children in trouble.
My greatest JOY fills me up, and that JOY comes from HE who believed in me, loved me, forgave me, when nobody else could- or would.
All Things Work Together For Good To Them That Love God.

What a powerful blessing, what reassuring words to a troubled person, somebody not understanding what it takes for us to function properly, not understanding what we need, in order to cope with the hard side of life.

It says all things (WORK), which means everything has been checked out; nothing will break down and leave us stranded. It means all things are working now, at this very minute...and for our good, because we love God. It means we have no reason to doubt or be troubled about the trials in our lives. Each part is necessary in order for us to be successful; to grow, and become the kind of people God desires us to be.

AND WE KNOW ( we are positive)
THAT ALL THINGS (every single thing)
WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD.

Let's not worry and fret any more, but give our burdens to the Lord. We have but to say, "Father, this is just to heavy for me," and he takes care of it.

I hope every one of you has a blessed day, and that no matter how steep the hill, you'll keep climbing. The view at at top is more than worth it.
I speak from experience, for as I write this one of my sisters is dying, my husband is on hospice, a son is in trouble, a daughter-in-law very ill. As painful as these things are they will one day be behind me. I don't sink, though my heart is heavy, because I truly believe what I have told you. Everything, in the end, works out; not always as we wish it would, but the way God knows is best. He doesn't give us what we want...but what we need.

Thank you again, for all the loving support, prayers and good wishes.

Love you much.

JUST THINKING

Life is strange. You never know if it's going to put something wonderful into your life- or take something out of it. It can keep you full of excitement, or fill your moments with fear. It can be an easy ride, as pleasant as spending an afternoon in a canoe, or a ride that terrifies you; so much so that you pray for death to take you. And somewhere in the middle is love, which is the most awesome thing. Love can bring the strongest man to his knees, can tear down any wall, and can break a heart faster than the sun can melt ice.

A man sometimes has empty spots within him- is oftentimes unaware of it until he comes around a bend in the road and meets love face-to-face. That can scare a man, especially if that man believes himself to be full.  When that man meets love, he finds  himself slowing down, thinking before speaking or doing; finds himself putting himself in other people's shoes- not rushing into anything.  He tries hard to live up to what God says love is. My sweet Johnny did this, and I so love him for it.

Well, these are just a few of the thoughts that were, and still are, floating around in my head. I am going through a pretty rough time at the moment, having to experience, in my opinion, the worst moment of a man's life, which is to lose somebody they love. Another goodbye is just ahead, a final one. Guess the thought of it evoked billions of memories, memories that will carry me through the worst of my days- the worst of my nights.
     I find myself walking backwards these days, stopping so often, probably way too often, at the places that meant the most to me. You know the kind, those experiences that so pleasured you that you wanted to freeze them so as to keep them forever. What if we had no memory? I thought of that yesterday, while reading some earlier love notes my Johnny had written me. I came across photos of  the truck that took us all across the United States, photos of the places we lived, and the place I was  working at when he walked through the door and stole my heart. Memories are precious things, fragments of our lives, the gold thread that ties everything together.

A friend of mine said to me, not long ago. "Barb, life stinks! No matter how hard I try, not one thing changes. Nothing! I don't know how you stay on top of things, how you somehow manage to remain cheerful instead of becoming bitter and resentful."
    My reply to her was "I manage by reminding myself to not lose the wonder I had as a child, to not get so caught up in what's going bad that I overlook all that is going good." 
   I learned that valuable lesson while talking to an elderly gentlemen in a Bible store, many years ago. I had a lot on my mind that day, was going through a horrible time in my life...the very worst ( at least it felt like it back then). This small book store had a few chairs placed here and there so one could sit if need be. As much as I wanted to purchase a new book I found I could not focus enough. My mind was on what was hurting me so much, what was causing so many problems in my life. I sat down, got up, walked about, sat down then got up again. I'd pick a book up, then, being unable, or unwilling to check it out, just wandered about the store. Finally, having a difficult time with my depression I sat down on a chair near the front of the store, one near the window. I gazed out at the world, sadness eating at my heart.

    An elderly gentleman stopped by the chair, said, "You're not having a good day, are you dear?" There was such kindness in his voice that I answered him. "No. Not really."
    "Know what would help?" he asked. I shook my head no, forcing tears back.
   "What would help you, my child." he said, kindly, "is an hour a day to yourself."When I didn't respond to what he said he continued." I don't mean an hour spent doing something. I mean an hour spent doing nothing."
    "How would doing nothing help me?" I asked, his comment not making much sense to me.
    "It helps because doing nothing quiets your spirit, and if you will spend the hour as I suggest you'll be quite surprised at how much better you will feel. "
    "How must I spend it? What must I do?"
    "You find a quiet place, outside if possible. Sit in a comfortable place, near your garden, on your porch, in a favorite chair or porch swing, if you have one. Sit and do nothing for that hour except tune in to your senses. Listen to the sound the leaves make as the breeze walks through the trees. Listen to the birds, the cars passing by, the neighbors chattering. Look around you- at the color of the sky, the shape of buildings, the color of the flowers, grass, the clothes you wear. Feel the chair beneath you, the texture of your skirt, how your feet feel in your shoes. Take some deep breaths. Make note of what you smell: Flowers, growing grass, somebody frying bacon, the perfume you are wearing. My dear, spending an hour this way enables you to truly relax. It teaches you the wisdom of letting go of your worries and fears, reminds you that no matter how hard and fast paced life is, you can rise above things. I discovered this by accident- became very ill and was forced to do nothing. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Do try this, my dear. I guarantee that it will help you. You'll be surprised how much."

    That conversation was such a long time ago, but I've not forgotten the man or what he taught me. It changed my life, which is why I am writing about it today, sharing it, truly hoping those of you who are going through rough times will try this. Try it even if things are not so bad. An hour spent THIS way is  life-changing.
  
Well, I have things to do, chores that have to be done. Whether your day is a good one - or a bad one, look for the sunniest, shiniest, brightest moments in your day. Create new memories every chance you get. And remember the value of being as gentle- as kind to yourselves as you are to others.

My prayer for you today, is that the Lord's peace is ever with you; that you know that fear only has as much power as we give it, and that every trial, no matter how painful or sad, does eventually, come to its own end.
And for all the love, friendship and support you all give me,

I'm hoping today finds all of you doing well and facing today with the wonder we had as children. I'm inclined to think one of the reasons so many people suffer from depression is because of attitude. I've always told my children that attitude is everything. It pretty much is. We believe what we tell ourselves. If we are constantly telling ourselves how stupid we are, how we fail at everything, how miserable life is, how we just know tomorrow is going to be worse than today, we ought not be surprised that we're so unhappy, so stressed and depressed.
    Like so many of you, I have a lot of really difficult things going on in my life, but determined a long time ago that I would always focus on the SHINY things in each day. I also told myself that to the best of my ability, I'd try not to let the world become ordinary to me; but would try to view it as I had when a child.
   
Can you remember how it once was with you? Can you remember how carefree and happy you were when you were a child? Remember how you noticed everything, felt everything: the way the sun warmed your skin, the way the stars twinkled in the black sky, the way wind made things move. Remember how exciting a thing life was then? We had nothing to do but experience living. We had time to use all our senses- to notice how smooth a spoon felt when put into our mouths, how soft the petals of a rose, how wonderful Orange Blossoms and freshly cut lawns smelled, how it felt to make a rocking chair rock.
   
Children experience difficult times, but unlike adults, they don't hold tightly to them. They cry, get angry or sad, then move on. That's something we need to learn how to do. We need to recognize the wisdom in letting go, need to keep ever present on our mind -how short life really is, how quickly it passes. If we'd do this I think we may be surprised at how much more content we would be. I think we'd then be able to experience life the way we did when we were kids. Some of us have focused on our problems for so long, been so miserable for so long we don't know how to have fun any more...seldom laugh.
   
This wasn't what I'd intended to write about but am glad I did. I needed to hear these things myself. Perhaps that's why the words flowed so easily this time. With so many painful, stressful things going on in my life I've forgotten to take time for myself, forgotten how good it is for us to have fun; to laugh and enjoy others, to not focus quite so much on what's going wrong, but on all that has gone right.

One of the things that I really enjoy doing and have started taking time for again, is to read. So often I come across a handful of words that linger years after I've read them. The following paragraph is one I've read often, always discovering while reading it, how truly wise it is to let myself truly experience

living.

   "More than half a century has passed, and yet each spring, when I wander into the primrose wood and see the pale yellow blooms, and smell their sweetest of scents,...for a moment I am seven years old again and wandering in the fragrant wood.
                 -Gertrude Jekyll (1843-1932)


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What I Know About Life

What I know about life is that it's unpredictable. It is not possible to wake up in the morning and know what a day will contain, not possible to know if we'll have many blessings, or a few, not possible to know from one minute to the next what's ahead.
    We may be feeling misplaced and frustrated one minute, and have our hearts touched a second later, simply because we looked out a window  and saw a small child, sitting absolutely still, totally entranced with a tiny bird- or the opposite. Perhaps we're watching the news and feel our stomachs tighten, feel the wetness of our tears as we watch the Twin Towers coming down. The horror of the moment leaves us numb, forces us to know that nothing will ever be the same.
     Tragedies exist in  life - but so do miracles. I have experienced many difficult moments in my lifetime, but the Lord always created a masterpiece out of what I saw as worthless.
    Life can be a paradise on earth or feel like hell on earth, depending upon our beliefs, who, or what, is at the center of our hearts, and what kind of men and women we are.
   What I know about life is that no matter how difficult things get, tomorrow always comes, and with it, new opportunities. I know that no matter how difficult or how painful the trial, it will, at some point come to an end - that it won't always rain. It's good to know that- to remember it, because sometimes, like now, when I'm having to cope with so much I  get to missing the former days. I walk for hours in the corridors of my mind, stopping here and there, enjoying once more, the slower paced life.
    I stop at the house where I met the first love of my life, the boy with the 1,ooo watt smile; ride for hours on his maroon and white bicycle. I stroll through the small town market and purchase a dill pickle for a nickle- walk in the hot sun back to our house and swim for hours in our swimming pool, the only one in town.
   I go down another corridor and find my mother, sitting in her rocking chair, drinking her coffee and having her morning toast. She's been gone for many years now. But even so, when I get overwhelmed I go seek her out, sit still in her presence, and listen again to the words she spoke.

    "You can't please everybody, Barbara. Just do your best and don't worry about the rest. Tomorrow will always take care of itself. Yes, things are rough now. I know how scary that is. But you'll be okay. Just don't forget that fear only has as much power as you give it. Betrayal? There are no words when it comes to that, honey. Each person has to work it out in their own way. I can tell you this though. It's not the forgiving that is hard- but the forgetting."
     She was such a wise woman, always had the right answers, and though she could have been hard on me- she never ever was. She'd just say, after I'd made a huge mistake. "It's not as if I've never made any. What matters is that we learn from them. Learn! Okay?"
    I'm still trying to learn; still trying to come to terms with how difficult and unpredictable a thing life is. I finally figured it out. Life runs on opposites.
A baby is born- a baby dies; a couple marries- a couple divorces; the sun rises- the sun sets; a man gets hired- a man gets fired. Understanding that life runs on opposites makes accepting its disappointments much easier. At least for me.

   
My apologies for the way this is thrown together. I've not slept much, have a lot on my mind, have a lot on my plate at the moment. Writing it all out helps, even if it makes little sense to you. (Hope some of it does).

Have  an awesome day.
Remember, life is short, so create some beautiful memories.




    BARB
  

    
   



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