Thursday, August 16, 2012


      It's been a really tough day, tough week actually, and it was so tempting to throw in the towel and say "I give up. I've had it," but I didn't. I absolutely refuse to do that. Giving up means I have lost- quit- and if a man quits, if he stops trying, he has lost already.
I never imagined that at this stage of my life I'd feel so lost, feel so totally drained. I feel like I started a race and never quit running; am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Being honest here. I almost lost it today- almost did. What saved me was taking a memory walk. It was a long one, took me back to when I was a twelve year old, the new kid in town, a threat to the girls, a new pitcher to the boys.
      Baseball was the game then; was played in the lot next to our house from morning till night, every day of the week. I loved the game, and it didn't take the boys long to find out that I was good at it. 
    Three strikes and you're out! That's the rule. When I was twelve, loving baseball as I did, I didn't realize there was a lesson to be learned from that rule, one that would enable me to climb the most intimidating mountains in my life. I didn't recognize the 3 strikes and you're out rule till later in life,  when I was three months pregnant with Johnny's child and had to go to my mother's funeral. I never knew such agony, wrote in my diary that day "I never knew pain till I lost she who gave me life."
     I so wanted to quit then, felt life not worth much without my Mom. I wanted, with all my heart, to quit, but each time I'd go to my diary, I'd read the word's I written and would remember how strong a woman my Mom was. I'd remember all the abuse she'd suffered, the many things she gave up in order to care for her children. She was steady, dependable, a rock, and I wanted to be like her, wanted her to be proud of me.
    That was when, out of nowhere, the thought came to me. Mom never quit. Not once! I asked the Lord to help me, and funny as this may sound to you, I believe he did. "Use baseball." Those were the words to came to me after asking Him for help.
    It was amazing. This is how I applied the baseball rule to my life. I gave myself 1 strike if I allowed my feelings to rule me instead of the other way around. I got the 2nd strike if I stayed on the pity pot for more than a half hour. Strike 3   being OUT would only happen if I failed to show up for life. I've been struck out twice, many times since the death of my Mom, but never struck out yet- never will be.
     Odd, isn't it, the way things work out sometimes?  Like this post, for instance. I had no idea what I was going to write about until that last little thing popped up, which isn't a little thing at all, but my Johnny's dying.  It hurts so much, dear ones, to lose bits and pieces of him every day, but...for now he is still here, still putting the SUN into my days, and you all know that sunshine makes for "SHINY" moments.
Be good to yourselves today. If you're facing intimidating mountains as I am, try using baseball to help you through it. If not baseball, then whatever it takes to enable you to hang in there. It's tough sometimes,I know, to show up for life when your heart is upon the ground. But I also know, from personal experience that showing up for life is worth it. It really is.

Take care. Be good to others and to yourselves too.
Johnny and I both thank you for all the love and support we are getting. We appreciate it so much.


                                  BARB And JOHNNY


Tina of Moon Shine said...

love the baseball analogy. just remember that sometimes it's okay to have a good ol' cry. (((barb)))

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Hang in there. I do know it has to be difficult for you. My husband died of a sudden heart attack almost 20 years ago now. My heart was on the ground at that time for sure. But life is worth living and those bright shinny moments do help to carry us through. I never went through this period of saying goodbye that you are having with your Johnny, but I would have done so to have a few more days together. May the dear Lord bless you with the strength to go on and comfort you with lots more shinny moments.

Debbie said...

I have no words only compassion for what you are going through. May God hold you through this journey.

Sandy said...

No words for me either, dear friend, except hold on to Jesus. You both are such an inspiration to me.
Love & Prayers,