Today's been tough, extremely hard for me. About the time I think I'm on top of a situation, the ground gets pulled out from under me. I had a good cry, and I mean a good one. Then, needing some comfort and reassurance I talked things over with the Lord; told him how overwhelmed I felt, how heavy the sad within me is. I talked a long time, then sat quietly, as always I do, waiting, knowing that before long the emptiness I felt- the deep sadness would soon pass. And it did.
It began to fade away as I read an earlier post of mine. I'm sharing it again here, more for myself, than for you, but do hope something in this post lifts your spirits or makes you smile.
My 2009 Post
Whenever I start the morning greatly appreciating my life, I take a memory walk, wanting to reconnect with people who inspired me, encouraged me, lifted my spirits, or taught me something, people whose belief in me enabled me to believe in myself.
I shared Gingerbread and hot chocolate with my Mom, my heart filling with admiration as she shared her life experiences, speaking softly, as always she did, about how love can go wrong, how important it is to remember that people are more important than things, and that doing our best is always good enough. Our last conversation left me with words that literally changed my life. "If you can be honest with yourself, she said, "about yourself, you'll find the quality of your relationships will improve. Why? Because when you look at another persons faults you're now able to see your own."She's been gone a long time now, but sometimes, like today, it's as if she never left.
The second person I visited on my walk was my father. As in all families, and within all relationships, not all is perfect. It was so with us. But I've never focused on the hurting memories, of which there are many. Better it is, I learned a long time ago, to focus on the good in life, as well as in people. This being so, I revisited Sequoia National Park; ate cold watermelon as I observed my father, who stood leaning against a Redwood tree- gazing upwards while sipping a cold beer, looking happier than I'd ever seen him. "It just doesn't get better than this."he said, smiling at me.
I've never forgotten that moment or the sights, sounds, and smells of it. My father taught me many things (though none by example). The most important thing?
1-Don't take life or people for granted.
2- Learn to control your emotions- don't allow them to control you.
3- Everybody deserves a second chance.
Next to visit was Tommy, the first love of my life. I rode his maroon and white bicycle again, danced with him, went horseback riding, and felt his strength when he embraced me for the last time. It's okay, Princess." he whispered, while brushing my tears away with his fingers. "I'll be back."
He didn't come back, but what I learned from him kept me strong, has helped me through many a storm. He was unique, had the heart of a poet- was so tall in my eyes. He taught me the true meaning of integrity, loyalty, and friendship, taught me that I'm much stronger than I believe myself to be, and am able to do whatever I wish to do.
Next, I visited Pastor Joe, who introduced me to Jesus, enabled me to experience somebody actually living what God says love is. I spoke with former friends, spent an hour swinging on an old tire swing, then revisited the tree house Tommy built for me. "For when life's too heavy." he said.
Oh, but I loved that tree house, spent many hours there doing nothing except think about life- about how unfair it was, the way it put heaven in your hands, only to snatch it from you when you least expected it. I thought about how noisy the world was, and how hard it was to find a quiet place. I thought about the present day- wondered what tomorrow would bring (if it would leave my life as it was or change it into something I would hate). Mostly I'd think about Tommy, wishing, praying, hoping, as his dad did, that we'd be together always.
We weren't together for always. But life goes its own way, doesn't it? And the years pass, each one confronting us with truths we're never quite ready to face like: waking up one day and realizing that not only has youth left us, but we are no longer in the middle-age bracket. It takes much longer now to do things we once did so quickly- so easily. And we're not always comfortable with the stranger in the mirror, nor with our bodies, which far to often betray us.
But we're always going through some kind of transitions, whether big or small. And not all changes are bad.
I wish you all good things: love, joy, laughter, peace, and hope.
As always, Johnny and I wish to thank each of you for your friendship, support, love, and prayers.