Friday, September 14, 2012

My Mom & Dad

Good Morning,

     Today is a first for me, the first time I have ever shared this picture of my Mom and Dad. I treasure it- and them. I miss them both, and never quite as much as when I am hurting. I'm hurting today- very much, so took an extremely long memory walk- one which led me here- to my parents.

    My growing up years were not perfect or easy, so when I take a backward look, I never linger at the painful, troubled, chaotic moments. Instead, I revisit those moments that touched the deepest part of my heart, the moments when I learned something. 
I love studying this photo. It is the one time in my life that I remember seeing  peace upon Mom's face. She loved my father so much, every bit as much, if not more, than I love my Johnny. Before his death her blue eyes sparkled and danced, especially when she laughed. But on the day he died, as she gazed at him for the last time during the funeral service, the stars in her eyes went out; that special sparkle never came back. When Dad died, part of her died too, just as part of me will die when I lose my precious Johnny.
Death is like that; it steals one's joy, saddens a man's heart, often removes hope for a time, and fills one with a terrible numbness, which is actually a blessing in a way. At least I view it that way. The day my Mom died, I wrote in my diary "I never knew pain till I lost she who gave me life." The pain of losing my sweet mom was the greatest pain I've known, yet I bore it, and grew in ways I'd not expected to grow.
Our journey, my Johnny's and mine, is now way past the middle, much closer to the end then we'd like. The sadness within my heart is so heavy sometimes, often feels more than I can bear. But I know that I can- and will. I cry a lot more in my alone times now,  but the Lord, knowing  my need, my great sorrow is always there to wipe them away.

I grew up without my dad but loved him with all my heart. Sometimes, when discouraged, I imagine him with me. I ask "What would you tell me if you were here" I think he would say "Life's not perfect so don't expect it to be."
 Harsh, rather cold words, yes, but they are words that have helped me through life. They are words that have kept me strong, steady, hopeful."

If Mom were here beside me and I said, "This is so hard, Mom, so terribly hard." Her reply would be what it always was when I said something like that. She would smile that sweet smile, while taking cautious sips of her coffee, and say, "You've been through worse, Barbara, and you did what you had to do. You'll make it through this too."

I will! Just taking it a day at a time. Well, more like a moment at a time these days. So sorry I've not been able to respond to emails, letters and calls. I've not felt my best and wanted to spend all my time with Johnny. My hands are somewhat better, obviously. I typed this but that will be the end of it for a day or two.

If you're having a good day, give thanks, if not, don't lose hope. Just remind yourself that the choices we make determine, to a large degree, just what kind of day we'll have.

Take care of yourselves.
Love you much.


Sybil said...

Dearest Barb and Johnny, you have both been in my thoughts and prayers so often these last few weeks...
I am glad that you were able to pop in to give us a wee bitty news my dear Barb. Also glad to see that your hands are a bit better..
Keep strong and know that we are all here for you praying and loving and sending hugs..
much love always Sybilxx

Jeannette said...

I'm sorry it's getting hard for you now, you have so much to deal with, knowing you're going to lose your sweet Johnny. It's so sad when parents die, all the love they gave us when we were growing coes back to us to carry us through the bad days. Sending you love, hugs and prayers to get you through the dark times Barb. Bles you and Johnny. <3 <3 xx

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

I always try to remember the dear Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle and that he is always there to help us each step of the way. Memories like yours are not so bad. When I try to remember something good or encouraging that my parents said, I'm at a loss. I'm glad you were able to check in with us and let us know how things are going. As always you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa said...

Sending lots of love and hugs your way xoxo Lisa

mortonlake said...

you take care,thinking of you,love mort xx

Just Be Real said...

Hugs to you both. Blessings.

Crown of Beauty said...

Dear Barb
I am new here, came over from Sandy's blog. You know, I have been here for nearly an hour, scrolling down and slow reading your posts, all so honest and warm, and full of gentleness and warmth. I am so glad the Lord led me here... to bask in the sunshine of His love that I feel here.

Praying that these days God is embracing you with His comfort and His love.

I notice that this post was written a month ago. May God continue to be your strength and your peace.

Love from the Philippines

REGINA said...

i love the photo of your parents. a sweet photo of love. but i have to ask, is that a lioness over to the left of the photo, behind the scrollwork? looks like one lol.