Monday, May 28, 2012

Hello, guys & dolls,

I know it is afternoon, but I like the above graphic so much I just had to use it.

On a day like today, I'd love to go to the coast. It is only a short drive from our place, perhaps two and a half to three hours, but those days are gone, at least for now. My sweet husband, as most of you know, is on hospice, which of course changes everything. I so wish he wasn't so ill, that he was well enough for one last trip but unfortunately, he's not. He's pretty much confined to either the bed, or the chair next to his bed. Both are in the living room. We chose to put the hospice bed there because it's the brightest room. As well, he's able to see the outdoors through the sliding patio door.
     I've missed visiting with all of you, but know you understand my absence. I also wish to take a second here to thank you for the great support you've given me through emails and cards. Those unexpected surprises have helped me so much....far more than you know. I don't get a lot of sleep because I'm up and down throughout the night meeting Johnny's needs. Sometimes, when I've had to get up from a sound sleep and am unable to get back to sleep I read your cards and emails again. It is such a help. This journey came unexpectedly, is one that we, of course did not wish to take. But this journey is one that most of us will take at some point in our lives. And like all life's experiences there is something we can learn from the trial if we so choose.

    I must admit that when Johnny first came home and said, "Honey, there is nothing else the doctors can do for me," my reaction was like yours would probably be. I resisted! I dragged my feet, refused to accept the reality of the situation, refused to believe that in a very short time I was going to lose my Johnny. Not accepting it of course just made the changes...the journey, that much more difficult- that much more painful. It took awhile for me to recognize how futile struggling was, took awhile for me to accept that no matter what I did...I could change nothing. Johnny couldn't either, though like me, he remained in denial for quite awhile.
    Many years ago, when I created my first blog "Hey Let's Talk," and shared my life experiences as I lived them I often got negative comments left. Readers said, "Barb, how can you make public such things, especially your mistakes?"
I guess I'm remembering that because I'm still sharing, only much more in detail, a lot of it some pretty painful things. Still, I am convinced that it was, and still is a good thing. I know it is for now, instead of negative comments I hear things like "I am amazed at how much you share. I've wanted to share, needed too, but did not have the courage." or "I'm so glad you share the negative in your life as well as the upbeat things. Knowing that I am not alone, that other people are going through the same thing I am has made me feel less lonely, has given me courage to start a blog too."
     My most recent question by email was "Barb, how do you manage to stay so upbeat, so positive when so many hard things are going on in your life?"
My response was"  I lean on the Lord, and I always, every single day, look for a "SHINY" moment, a shiny moment being  a moment that distracts me from my sadness. Watching for those special moments helps nurture my desire to remain grateful, to never take for granted God's goodness to me. 

    Life runs on opposites, you know. A birth-then a death, a wedding- a divorce, a sunrise- a sunset, etc. Focusing only on the negatives of life makes one unhappy, unmotivated, ungrateful, sad, depressed...downright miserable. I do have my down days, but  don't allow myself to stay down. Guess I am just not willing to miss out on the better moments of life, the moments that make us smile, feel good, dance, act silly, sing, whistle; those times when we find ourselves so content we almost feel out of place in this world where so many people are rushing through their day, worrying, being angry, bitter, afraid.

    Wherever this day finds you I pray you are not forgetting how special and unique you are. I pray that you are as gentle with yourself as  you are to others and that you will remember, as I try to do, that we're always stronger than we believe ourselves to be.
     Here is something I read that I took to heart and it has served me well. If you apply it to your life I believe it will serve you well too.

"Get still; tell your heart the Truth;
act on it; leave the results to God."

Have an awesome day.



I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

I'm so glad you were able to take the time to let us all know how things are going for you there. I know the road you are on now is not an easy one at all. I helped to care for my folks through their time in hospice and knowing that spent all the time I could with them as I knew time was so short. My husband died of a sudden massive heart attack and there wasn't a time to say good bye to him at all. I am so glad you can take such a positive attitude toward it all and savor the moments. I try to do that each day. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Kath said...

I havn't been online as much of late Barb either.I was so happy to read your post today,to know how things are Dear Friend.I cherish every day I wake,and I am always thankful for small mercy's.Some roads are very hard to travel,but we get their in the end because the Good Lord sees us through.Every minute is a gift from God,no matter what the situation and we have to keep that smile at times,and be thnakful for these moments be them good or bad. Even when it is so hard.I love you Dear lady,you are a guardian angel to your Johnny.I know the feeling only too well you go through,I went through it with my Father.One of the hardest times in my life.He left behind precous memory's no one can take away.Love you millions.Sending A long Gentle Hug to you and to Johnny.Take Care God Bless Kath xxx

Sybil said...

Barb, Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with me/us..I can only keep sending up these prayers and know that the good Lord will always be with you...
and dear Johnny...
Good night,
God Bless,
Love Sybil xxx

ADB said...

Wishing you continued strength, Barb. You blog about what you want to blog about, not what others want you to.