Sunday, June 23, 2013

Trying To Get It Together

I am not a happy camper, well, at least not yet. I don't know how I did it, but I accidentally pushed the (set) button on my alarm clock while dusting it last night. It went off at 5:00 a.m. Did it wake me? Are you kidding? I didn't realize how fast I could move. Sounds amusing I know, but it wasn't. It had taken me a long time to fall asleep, so when I finally did, I was sleeping hard.  I didn't struggle to wake up, like from anesthesia, but sat up quickly, too quickly.My  heart was beating so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I felt disoriented and dizzy. It took a few seconds to get my bearings, to know everything was alright, that I was alright. Stupid clock!!!!!

Once I was awake, I couldn't go back to sleep. I gave up, and got up, muttering to myself, which I know would have made you laugh, if you'd heard the things I was saying, and seen the things I was doing, or trying to do. Heck, I laughed at myself.

I have done some really funny things, especially when overtired, or just not paying attention to what I'm doing, like when I  grabbed the wrong can and sprayed my hair with deodorant, instead of hair spray; or like when I went to brew coffee- did everything except put the coffee in the filter: turned it on, and wondered why only water came out.  Wish you could have heard my Johnny laugh when I did those things. He laughed so hard his eyes teared up.
Life just isn't the same without him, but I'm doing okay. I can't say things are going as smoothly as I'd like them to go, but can say that at least I'm not stuck like I was for awhile. I was so miserable I almost couldn't function, was running on automatic, I think. Thank heavens for routines; they're what kept me sane.

This post was for yesterday but I'm posting it today; to tired to start over.
I didn't sleep well last night either, so am twice as tired, but decided to post anyway. If I don't- I never will; there's always something distracting me. I'm sure that happens to you too. Well, not to some of you. Ma, for instance, posts every day. I used too- really miss being on track but can only do what I can do. So what's going on in my life?

What's going on in my life is a lot of what's going on in yours: health problems, financial concerns, a lot of tears from missing my Johnny, though I don't cry as often now, and when I do, thank goodness the pain is not so raw- doesn't always leave me with that gutted feeling. There are family members suffering horribly, situations going on that sadden my heart, relationships going down the tubes for no reason except an unwillingness to forgive.

There is a lot of sadness in my life at the moment, some really difficult things to cope with, but I still believe in love, in people- myself included. I still find life an exciting thing, something to be treasured and appreciated. It's still, in my opinion, full of
SHINY moments, millions of beautiful things to see, strangers, that will one day be my friends, and of course, always opportunities to make a difference.
I'm often asked what keeps me strong. My first answer is the LORD; without Him I'd never have made it this far in life. The second thing that keeps me strong is remembering that life runs on opposites; remembering that helps me not go off the deep end when I'm confronted with another trial.  

    Today may be a crappy day, but that doesn't mean tomorrow will be a crappy day too. Who knows?  Tomorrow could turn out to be one of the best days of my life, or yours.  I've had it happen that way before.

I'm so tired my mind doesn't want to work. That being the case I'm just going to share a poem I wrote on April 28, 1990. I wrote it a half hour after Johnny, our son, and I were in a wreck ( during the winter-driving a semi).

Will I Ever Know Why

Diamond dust in the heavens,
Lord, again I see,
Fields of grassy meadows,
And Trees that worship thee.
Flowers of every color- mountains so high.
You saved my life again, Lord,
Will I ever know why?

Children's happy faces,
My grateful heart can see,
"I love you." from a stranger,
But the words, Lord, came from thee.
Gentle winds upon my face- mountains so high.
You saved my life again, Lord,
Will I ever know why?
I heard the glass shattering,
The world begin to spin,
The still, small voice whispered,
"Child, call quickly upon Him."
So I called "Oh Father help us."
As I began to cry.
And you saved my life again, Lord,
Will I ever know why?

I pray all well with each of you today; that you're creating some wonderful memories with those you love. Thank you for loving me, for all your support too.

Love you much,


Sybil said...

Oh Barb If only you knew just how much we all love you..You are a real insperation to me...Like you I have had a couple of bad nights but hopefully in an hour or so I will try tonight for some sleep !!Our preacher this morning was saying that one thing she trie sto do is to turn situations round....she admitted to being not good in the morning sometimes shouting at her children to hurry up get to school..or words similar...the she flips the coin and things...STOP...thank God for these lovely children etc and it works same when she has a pile of laundry instead of hating the idea or ironing she flips the coin and thanks God that she has clothes at all...and it works she said. I thought they were wise words...
Keep looking for the shiny moments dearest Barb, as you have taught me to do xxxx

Debbie said...

I hope you are able to find rest. I hope your tomorrow is a whole lot brighter! May God wrap His arms around you and see you through.

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

I agree that routines do help. You mentioned my daily blog posts...they are part of my daily routine. Have done so for many years now. That startling wake up call by your alarm clock must have been upsetting for sure. Not expecting it would be like having a fire alarm go off in the middle of the night. I've found the best way to live is one day at a time and sometimes it's moment by moment. Putting one step in front of the other. Isn't it wonderful that we do have the dear Lord right there by us each step of the way.

Crown of Beauty said...

Oh dear friend, I want you to know that I think of you often, and when I do, I lift up a little prayer to Abba Father that He will continue to surround you with His grace and strength and peace.

Love you lots, Barb...


Sarah said...

Hi Barb...I got here in the end. I often think of you even though i haven't been online much of late. I too have been having sleepless nights and been waking and get up around 3.30am. I will keep you in my Thoughts and Prayers as always...Hugs and xxxx

Chatty Crone said...

Well I think the one thing you do have in spite of everything else - is hope and Love for the Lord. sandie