It feels so
great to be back here. I've missed sharing my thoughts and parts of my
life, missed hearing about everything that you've been doing, planning,
and dreaming about. I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to post but the
arthritis in my hands pretty much determines when I can post these
days.
My friend Tracie, asked if I'd share some of my
thoughts with you. That made me smile, because as you know, sometimes my
thoughts are all over the place: are on family, my health, the Lord,
yesterday, today, tomorrow, and who knows what else. She asked if I'd
share once again how to quiet the world, to silence the voices in her
head so she can better connect with life and herself.
I think
I'll share that part first. As Tracie explained it she said "I so
desperately miss the way it was when we were kids, Barb. Life is so
hectic and confusing. I'm about to lose it."
What I said in the
post she was talking about, was that though we cannot turn the clock
back and become kids again, we can quiet our life a great deal; can have
inner peace and quietness of mind. We do it by listening. Sounds simplistic, I know, but it works. It is not easy, but hard,
and it requires some work on our part. Just think about it for a
moment. Life is full of noise. The only time we're unaware of how
noisy it is, is when we are sleeping.
When our day begins, if we want to be able to cope with the stress that we'll be confronting, we have to be still, both in mind as well as in heart. Listening
is an art. Truly! It isn't something we're born knowing how to do. It's
something we have to learn, something that takes practice.
All
around us, even midst the loud, annoying sounds are sounds pleasant to
our ears. These are the sounds we usually pay no attention too, yet these sounds are the ones that help us get back on track. I am referring to the sound of silence..the loudness of it. In order to learn how to listen, we start by listening to silence and that is very hard to do.
As soon as we decide to remain quiet and just listen, we want to fill up that empty space with conversation, with noise, something we're familiar with. Being silent, really silent,
for an hour a day gets us in touch with the truth about ourselves,
helps calm us, and enables us to better hear that which God would have
us hear.
Taking that hour a day to listen, to shut our life's
noises and demands, has been one of the things that has helped me the
most, especially when overwhelmed. When I take that hour and focus upon
what the chair I'm sitting on feels like beneath me, listening to the crickets and frogs visiting each other, paying attention to how smooth the spoon that holds my favorite ice cream feels on my tongue - how warm the sun on a cold, winter day, or the song the leaves sing when a breeze passes through, I can feel the stress roll off of me.
We don't notice much of anything when both hands and mind are occupied
and focused on our I pads, Smart phones, computer games, and television.
If we're honest, even when we're visiting with those we love, we
sometimes have a hard time staying focused.
Tracie, I hope I covered what you want to know, explained it in a
helpful way hon. I must add, before I forget, that it pays to delete
certain sentences we constantly say to ourselves like: "I have too." "I must." and "I should."
Discovering how often I used those sentences helped me recognize that
they caused me to have unrealistic expectations. Deleting them empowered
me, enabled me to move through life at a much slower, more comfortable
place; allowed me to continue to aim high, but also to accept my
limitations.
Well, on to a few other subjects now. lol
WEATHER Right now it's quite odd.
Every once in awhile the sun lights up the area, then disappears behind
the clouds that seemingly came out of nowhere. The air is quite
pleasant at the moment. It's a little breezy, but I can handle breezes.
Heavy winds is what I detest.
Holidays
I find it hard
to believe that the holidays are here already; that even though
Halloween is being celebrated, the stores are already filling up with
things for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Wow! We don't have much breathing
room in-between do we? Still, I do love what the seasons accomplish,
which is to bring families and friends closer for awhile. It just
saddens me that it takes a holiday to do that.
Health
Even though I sometimes feel so doggone crappy, I never forget to thank the LORD for what I do
have: many dear friends, family members too, whose health is far worse
than mine, who constantly pray for me. I am so thankful that though I do have health issues, my body still works, gets done what needs to be done. As well, my daily needs are always met, I
have beautiful things to look at when I'm outside, have my music, and a
lot of good books to read.
One of my most treasured things, which
doesn't come often, but does come more frequently now, are those
unexpected moments when both heart and mind are at peace, a rare and
beautiful thing to me.
Children
My children are all
grown now, with children and grandchildren of their own. But I still
find myself remembering them when they were just starting out in life. I
loved the way their minds worked, the way they expressed themselves.
For instance:
My daughter Diana- age 4
My daughter loved
flowers when she was little, especially roses. Any time she'd pass a
rose bush she'd pick a petal off the rose, place it on her finger and
stroke it. One day, I was sitting on the steps watching my kids play. My
Mom came out and we began talking, walking around as we did. Diana
followed us, chatting as we walked. Seeing the rose bushes she stopped,
picked a petal off of one, placed it carefully on her finger, and began
stoking it.
"What are you doing, honey? " my mom asked.
"Just loving it." was her answer."|
Her answer touched something deep in my heart that day. Such simple words, but
they got me to thinking how much brighter a place our world would be if
we could, or would, just love him or her. Whenever I see a rose,
especially red ones I always think of my Johnny, who always gave me red
roses with a card saying "Love you Barb. Always will, " and my
daughter, Diana, whose three small words taught me such a marvelous
thing.
Life
Life is like a roller coaster, the only difference being that we don't need to purchase a ticket in order to take the ride. Nope! Life just takes us for it's ride, never even bothering to ask if we want to go. Sometimes, depending upon how our life is going, we go willingly. Other times, during rough spells, we kick and scream, moan and groan, cry and complain, wanting nothing except to curl up in our comfort zone and be left alone.
Life is also a school. I have come to realize, especially as time passes, how wise our GOD is. He, knowing us so well, having created us, put us in the place we needed to be in order to learn how to get along, to be kind, to understand pain, to discover how exciting and wonderful a place our world is when we, like my daughter with the rose petals learn to (just love him, or her).
Oh, it's not easy. Definitely not easy! But anything really worth having requires hard work.
Imagination
I am often teased, though not in a bad way, about my imagination; been told, "It's so hard to believe you're eighty." When I ask why, people usually say, "Because of the way you think, and the way you talk."
I'm not sure that I quite understand what they mean, though I try too. What I know though, is that I would not wish to be any different than i am. I may be eighty but still look at the world with wonder and amazement, am still curious about things, just like when I was a kid.
The one word that comes up in my mind every day is WHY? In that sense I do think like a child, I guess. My thought process is always " I wonder why a table is called a table, why not a bed, or glass? I wonder how many boxes of butter could be stacked under that bridge, etc. I recall a time when i was quite young, and was going to the store with my dad. I bombarded him with so many questions he finally asked, though not unkindly,'" Honey, don't you ever run out of questions? I don't. lol
Even as I am writing this I am wondering who will read it, what each of you are doing today. I wonder, as I drive somewhere with my son, if the people in the car next to us are as happy as they appear to be, or, if they are, like all the rest of us, struggling with something really hard. I am always wondering things, always eager to learn new things.
However the rest of your day goes, I pray you'll remember how special and unique you are; that you'll take time to smell the roses, and when you do, you will remember what my little girl said and try to "just love him or her" just as they are, no matter how hard it is.
Food for thought:
Don't let people's smiles fool you. Sometimes there is a lot of pain behind a smile. When in doubt- look in the eyes. It helps.
I have got to take a break, take my meds and get some chores down. Have an awesome day.
For the love, friendship and support. You're the best!!
I am hoping today finds every one of you happy, healthy and doing well. I know, as all of you do, that life is full of changes, not all of them pleasant or easy. We are always going through some kind of transition, always waiting for something: a phone call, dinner, company,
a reply from the doctor, to name just a few.
I have many people telling me, more now than before it seems, that every time they turn around there is another change to get used too. I can truly relate. Of all the transitions I have gone through, the most difficult ones have been the deaths of loved ones, being so far from family, and the latest and most difficult (getting used to being 80 years old). Even writing it feels odd, mostly because though my body is constantly reminding me that I am no longer young, I do not feel old. If my health issues and pain were non issues I'd still be trucking, riding horses, going for bike rides, and quite possibly trying something I always planned to do, which is to just once, jump out of an airplane. Oh, trust me, I'd not find it easy to do. I KNOW somebody would have to push me out that door, but I have always wanted to do that.
Why do we sometimes have the desire to do crazy things like this, even if we'd have to be pushed, yet are so fearful and hesitant about life's transitions, which are usually much easier and require far less courage? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
This morning, I was standing at my patio door while drinking a cup of coffee, admiring the beautiful trees across the fence. I gaze at these trees every morning, remembering how my Johnny and I once did this together. Our love of trees was something we had in common. We looked forward to the pastel colors of spring, and then became eager for the transition of summer to autumn, always anxiously waiting to see those deep, rich, vibrant colors of autumn.
The days are getting colder and the rain is returning. Now, each morning, as I gaze at these trees, I sadly watch some of the leaves holding on tightly, as if to say "NO! I am not ready for this. I do not WANT to let go. I cried a little this morning, as I observed this. Why? Because it reminded me of the struggle Johnny went through while trying to accept that he was not going to be with me for much longer.
As well, i cried because I remembered one of the l conversations I had with my Johnny before he died. We were on the patio, observing these same trees. I said to Johnny." Honey, look at those leaves on the bottom branch. They are fighting as hard as they can to hold on. It is almost as if they are resisting letting go."
This was only about five or six weeks before Johnny died. I remember when i told him that, he put his arm around me, tilted my face up with his fingers and said' Babe, when my time comes I don't want you to be like those little leaves. I want you to promise me you'll let go. Just let go, baby, and trust God to take care of you. You always tell me that you got where you are because He honors your faith. So when I'm gone, let go and trust Him to take care of you like he always has."
I promised my husband I would let go. And so when he died, I did, but not right away. As many of you know (for you've lost the love of your life too), letting go is not easy. It is still very hard for me. I miss Johnny so much. Every day! And when I find myself struggling, I remind myself of my promise and sit down, ask the Lord to comfort and strengthen me, and He always does.
Life these days isn't easy for anybody. But it truly helps to remind ourselves that transitions are part of life, and they don't have to be bad experiences. Most of our stress is not from the trial itself but from our reaction to it. What helps? Well, speaking from personal experience, I have learned the wisdom of "letting go" and trusting God to do what He promises us He will do. I remind myself every day that security is not found in people,
places or things, but in our relationship with the Lord.
I am doing well, though like I said, it hasn't been easy adjusting to all the changes of being 80. I can truly relate to people who get discouraged and troubled, who say "Every time I turn around it's something new." It is! I am finding out so many things I cannot do any more, so many things I have to do much slower, so many things I need to learn, and even things I need to forget about.
I hope this post doesn't give the impression that I'm depressed or unhappy. I'm not. I just felt the need to share about letting go because "letting go" seems to be one of the things most of us have the hardest time doing. And we can't really enjoy life if, like those leaves on the tree, we're holding tight to things that aren't good for us or things or people that make us unhappy.
Letting go doesn't mean we've given up, though many seem to see it that way. Letting go is a HUGE victory. It's an indication that we've grown in understanding, have learned, or are learning to be honest with ourselves, and that we realize the wisdom in not holding so tightly to anything.
Thanks for being there for me, for taking time to read what I write, and for all the prayers and good wishes. Love you very much.
Hello everybody,
I can't say good morning, because somehow I let the day get a head start on me. Before I knew it, it was already past noon.I'm hoping that wherever you are there is music, either coming from your radio or a record player, or maybe like me, you're a whistler and a hummer.
My Johnny always threatened to change my name to humming bird, because I hum as I
do things. Always have, ever since I was a kid. I whistle too, though not as well as when I was a little girl, but doing it still makes me happy, still has the ability to lift my spirits.
I was thinking, earlier today, how sometimes we don't realize just how rich we really are. Money can't touch a heart like being loved can. And a fancy car can't hold a candle to knowing somebody passed up something important so they could be with you. Things like that stand out, don't you think?
I find that the older I get, the more I notice things that I overlooked when younger. When we're growing up, almost all of our thoughts are on ourselves. We're kids. We eat, sleep, play, cry when hurt, get hugged when we fall (hopefully). We want things: toys, CD's the latest, most expensive shoes, cars, clothes, money and anything else that suits our fancy.We're busy finding our own way, discovering things about ourselves, dreaming about our future, and wondering about adult things. We ran non-stop through life; never running out of energy. And most of us back then, got tired of being told what to do. We said "It's my life, my body, my future.
Time passed, and hopefully we're wiser now; have learned things that not only help us live better, but help us to be more patient, more kind, slower to anger and quicker to forgive. I have learned so much by listening and reading; by taking long walks alone; by star gazing on a really clear night, and by truly taking time to smell the roses.
Our world has become such a hectic, chaotic, fearful place. It's hard, sometimes to find that quiet place we need. But it pays to search until we find it, because it's in
the quietness of life; in listening to the birds sing, and the grass grow, that we find the peace we believed to be elusive.
I am doing reasonably well. Like all of you I have things I struggle with. But so far, by God's grace, I'm managing. I think about each of you every day, remember you in my daily prayers; always asking the Lord to bless you for your kindness to me; for the awesome love and support you've given me throughout the years.
My gosh...when I say years, I realize we've really been blogging that long, haven't we? Some of you, stay on top of it far better than I do now. I miss being able to blog as often as I once did, but have to be realistic about my health and limitations. Don't always like it. But it is what it is.
Mostly, I am extremely happy. Truly! I have a GOD who loves me, and who never breaks a promise. If I have him I am truly blessed. He wipes my tears, gives me strength, guides my words and actions, and somehow, enables me to not only keep my sense of humor, but to view the world as a small child would. I think being able to do that, is what enables me to be content.
Thank you, dear ones, for always being in my corner, for your good wishes, emails, support on my blogs, and especially for your prayers.
I wish you strength, good health, love, laughter and peace.
Love you much.
Good Morning,
My goodness. It has been so long since I have posted anything that I'm wondering if my mind will cooperate with me. Well, won't know unless I give it a try so here we go...:)
What have I been up too? It depends upon how you look at it, I guess. Some people, observing my life, might think I have accomplished little since they last interacted with me. But on the other hand, there are people who have known me for many years, and seeing me so idle most of the time, don't mistake that for laziness. They have come to understand me, to know that every once in awhile, usually when too much is upon my plate, I take time for solitude and silence. It is in those two things that I am able to regain clarity of vision, a better understanding of why my life is such a mess, and most of all, am better able to hear more clearly the things the Lord would have me hear.
One of my friends, awhile back, got her feelings hurt when she asked my opinion about one of her relationships, why I thought it was going so bad- was so painful. My answer was not to hurt her, but had been given based upon my own life experience. What I said was "Honey, your problem may be simply that you are not a good listener. She was, as I was years earlier, when recognizing this about myself, defensive. "I am SO a good listener she said. And so
I tried to explain it better, and thankfully was able too.
I told her I'd always believed myself to be a good listener too, but one day, while having a disagreement with one of my teenagers, he said" Well, Mom, you never listen. Never!"
At that time, we were in the middle of a heated argument so I really WASN"T listening, but was mostly wanting him to be quiet so he could hear what I WANTED TO SAY."
Silent listening, I discovered, means exactly what it says, which is "Be quiet while somebody else is talking. And be quiet not only, but focus on what is being said." It is only when we are silent, and really focusing on what is being said, that understanding is born. And with better understanding the quality of our relationships improve.
This is one reason I love going for walks alone. We hear so much more, and notice so much more, when we are by ourselves, when we are not being pulled in five or more different directions at once- when we are multi-tasking, which in my opinion, keeps us from being able to embrace the really wonderful SHINY moments that are so often right in front of us.
I have been diagnosed with stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease. It is not pleasant, tore a rather big hole into my comfort zone, which for awhile, caused me to feel uncertain and unsure of myself. I found myself falling back into the old way of coping, which was telling myself "I can do this. I will be okay." That didn't work years ago, and won't work today. What worked the best for me was remembering how willing the Lord is to carry my burdens, to help me with any problem (BIG OR SMALL), how quick he always was, and still is, to enable me to make it through each moment of the day. Remembering this, and leaning on Him, keeps me strong, content, and actually joyful. It is hard not to be joyful when i am so blessed:
My family has always been there for me, and every one of you dear readers. You have all
loved and supported me, always reminded me that I am not alone, that you are in my corner, just as I have always been, and will always be...in yours.
Life is good!!! Very good!!! It is full of opportunities to do better- be better. It is full of SHINY moments that make us smile, laugh, whistle, embrace, promise, and laugh again. Life is full of KODAK moments. Let's not miss any of them.
I am going to be a great grandmother again before long. If my last count is correct there are four little ones entering the world before very long. All of them are out of state little ones so will have to rely on photos for a bit, but that is okay. Photos are wonderful things.
Weather:
We are out of the cold mostly. Our winter wasn't particularly hard. We had little rain but at least got some, which is more than some people got. Still, wonderful as this season can be I am looking forward to the colors, fragrances, and newness of spring, which isn't that far off. I do miss having a garden, miss planting flowers as my Johnny and I always did. But there are
beautiful indoor plants and that is what I will start with this year. Indoor plants and some beautiful flowers for the patio.
Though I live in an apt. now, instead of a house, I am amazed at how much cleaning lies ahead for me, how much junk I need to dispose of. My goal is to scale down to only those things I actually use. I worked on this a bit awhile back, but had to quit...the pain was too much and the fatigue. Thankfully, my son does for me what I am unable to manage.
Writing:
Many of you have asked when, if ever, I will post another story, have asked if I would consider re-posting "We Get What We Give," and "After The Rain." I greatly miss writing,
and have, several times, tried to get started on this. But between the fatigue and pain I was unable too. BUT... I have determined to do this, not just for those who have requested it, but
for myself as well. Having something to focus on besides how crappy I feel would be a good thing. And we sometimes need to demand more of ourselves. So I won't promise to get it done as quickly as I normally would, but will get it done. You will just have to be patient with how slow the posts get posted.
Have to stop here. Need to rest a bit and fix an early lunch, I had a very early breakfast and my stomach is complaining about it.
Do have an awesome day. Create some beautiful memories and get that camera out so you don't miss those KODAK moments.
Be good to others--and as gentle with yourselves.
BUY A JAR OF BUBBLES AND USE THEM. BUY SEVERAL EXTRA SO YOU CAN
PASS OUT A FEW. IT COSTS LITTLE AND ALWAYS MAKES PEOPLE SMILE.
Love you much,
BARB
Not to worry dear hearts. I'll feel better after I have a second cup of coffee.
It seems no matter how hard I try to unwind before bedtime, once I'm in bed..
well, I am no longer sleepy. Either that, or I go right to sleep, but wake up every
two or three hours throughout the night. It's the pits!
But aside from that, life is pretty good. Oh, like all of you, there are some
things that trouble me; things that involve loved ones. But I have learned that
worrying solves nothing. Better it is to trust in the Lord, and focus on the
good stuff in life, of which there is plenty.
Everybody in this area is excited that we finally have triple digit weather behind us.
Now it's early morning cold air, sometimes lots of fog, but the sun still shows its
beautiful face in the afternoon. This weeks temps will be between 79- 90, which
is awesome.
Some things never change; like this holiday thing. Every year,
around this time, the stores fill up with not only Halloween stuff, but Christmas and Thanksgiving as well. Most people don't like it this way. But having been poor for most of my life. I can understand how some people love it. When I was raising my kids alone,
I seldom had money to spend on them, never what I would have liked too. So I loved
that there was Christmas stuff out early. That way I was able to do layaway the things I wanted to buy for my kids. If I couldn't have done that....well, I don't like to think of how lousy their Christmas would have been.
My life:
The last three years have been extremely difficult- very painful too. But, as
I always say, our greatest blessing are sometimes hidden midst our darkest, most
painful trials. Losing so many loved ones, having my health issues worsen so rapidly, having to come to terms with financial realities, and trying to adapt to so many changes taught me a lot about myself. I learned how to ask for help, something I had always found difficult. I learned that I am much stronger than I believed myself to be. I
learned what a powerful thing faith is, and what a wonderful, loving, mighty God we worship and love.
My children ...are doing fairly well, though of course each one, like all of us, has
issues they struggle with. They have all grown up to be sons and daughters that I am
very proud of. They are far better parents than I ever was. This is something that truly
saddens me, for I'd have loved to be as great a parent to them as they are to their children. But I did my best. If I'd known better I'd have done better.
SOMETIMES....I find myself with closed eyes, imagining myself seated on a train seat,
I never wonder where the train is going, am just happy to be taking the ride.
I am staring out the window, watching the world fly by, feasting my eyes on on the trees, waterfalls, sagebrush, cars, trucks, houses, cattle, horses, barns, people and kids, as if it's the last time I'll ever see them. I do this when loneliness gets to be too heavy; when it feels as a noose around my neck. Taking a memory walk, or ride, reminds me of how blessed I am. Yes, my childhood was horrible, my teen years chaotic,
my early adult years heartbreaking and overwhelming. But midst all of that sadness and pain was so much SUNSHINE...so much good stuff the Lord blessed me with. Much of it is gone now, but each memory reminds me of how rich I was - and still am.
I hope that you are enjoying your day; making the most out of each moment as it
arrives. Moments are such fleeting things; isolated fragments of time, some small,
some very big, each one giving us an opportunity for something. What that
something is, only you know. Sometimes I know mine right off. But other
times many days will pass, and suddenly I know what I ought to have done,
or could have done.
Relationships...
Relationships are so pleasurable- yet can be so mystifying and painful. I have been
doing a lot of deep thinking and praying of late, wanting desperately to heal some
broken relationships in my life. Sometimes the going is easy- other times, not so
much. Good communication helps, being honest, open and tolerant helps too.
With all the junk in my past I've failed in a lot of areas, but am working
hard to clean it all up. Some may work out- some may not.
But it is important that I try. Why? Because there is nothing worse than
regret, nothing worse than years flying by, and one day you hear
yourself say "If only."
Good news....
I am going to be a great grandmother again: three more babies coming,
if I have the number right. About the time I have it right I hear another
baby is due down the way.
New life! An awesome thing!
Regarding choices:
It pays to think before speaking or doing. Why? Because our life
is what it is because of choices we made- or failed to make. And down the way,
it is our final choices after all, that determine what our ending days will be like:
who is in our lives- or out of it; and if we have comfort
or even a hint of understanding.
On life's journey,
Dear hearts, keep on keeping on, no matter how steep the hill;
the rewards are always greater than the trial just experienced.
HOPE....
Hope is the flame within our hearts that keeps us alive; keeps us creating
dreams, building towers in the sky. Hope keeps us alive in spite of ourselves.
Without it- life disappears.
If you're by any chance, feeling misunderstood, lonely, unloved and
perhaps unwanted, remember that our needs are sometimes greater than
other people can cope with; the hole within us to huge for others to fill.
Just remember that what man cannot do...God can.
Well, guess I have said what I wanted to say, except to say you are always
in my prayers. Always!
Be good to yourself.....better to others.
Love you much,
BARB
It's been awhile since I have posted. Sorry about that. Mostly it is because I kind of got lost- just a little bit. Once I realized it, I created a plan to help me find my way back. I'm
not used to getting lost; haven't been for a lot of years now. It isn't something one chooses to do, just something that happens for a variety of reasons, some of them being:
the death of a loved one, financial difficulties, the loss of jobs, the loss of a home. There
is the grief over runaway children too- children on drugs, and of course serious health issues. The list is endless.
My getting lost didn't surprise me. Not really. I mean, how could it? When we have too
much on our plates it's hard to remain centered. The more trials there are- the heavier their weight- the more painful, the more likely it is that we'll lose our way. Life is hard!
Very hard!
Our sufferings, sorrows and trials cannot be avoided. And though we will all experieince
them it's not something anybody looks forward too. Our burdens can feel so painful, so heavy that we feel isolated from God. Our faith falters, sometimes disappears for awhile, as if it never existed. Doubts follow suit, washing over us like the ocean against the shore.
We see our trials as a bad thing, either forgetting, or not realizing, that it is midst our darkest, most difficult moments that God is the nearest- as close as our breath.
I used to believe that God allowed trials in my life in order to teach me something. I never began to grow spiritually until I understood that I had everything backwards.
God didn't use my trials to teach me something (though I usually learn something from them). What he wanted, was for me to recognize that I needed to unlearn something.
He wanted me to understand that because I was going about something in the wrong
way, nothing in my life was going right. And until I truly understood that, he was unable to set the crooked paths of my life straight.
Now, every time a new trial confronts me, I know to look for God in it,
rather than be intimidated by the trial. The more I do this- the larger, more
strong my faith becomes. Whatever your burden today, however heavy or painful, I encourage you to look for God in it. If you do, peace will return to its rightful place in your life.
Part of this post is from today's post in my Spiritual blog. I'd not planned on writing in this manner, not in this blog. But considering how things are in the world these days, and considering how hard life has become for us all, I thought sharing it to be a good thing.
I am praying that all of you are doing well, are happy and surrounded by the people who love you, believe in you, treasure you, and appreciate you. I hope you never forget how much you mean to me, and will always mean to me. Some of us don't comment much on blogs any more, but do it via email or Facebook. Things change,I know. But to be honest, I rather enjoy seeing comments, even if only a couple. It reminds me of former times, when J-Land existed, and each morning, and sometimes during the night, we'd visit one another- often till the wee hours of the morning.
Stay sweet. Be good to your hearts. Keep them full of love, patience,
kindness, tolerance, faith, and always Hope.
Love you much,
I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted. So sorry about that.
Do I have a reason for not posting? Not really, just excuses mostly: too hot,
too busy, too much on my plate, etc. The truth is, I just felt the need to be
lazy for awhile; to do nothing except the things I've felt like doing, things I
never did because of lack of money, or lack of time.
Sometimes, it was simply that doing something for myself always made me
feel bad, as if I was being selfish. I bet some of you felt like that at least
once in your lifetime, usually when your kids were growing up.
I was a single Mom till I met my Johnny, so to spend money on myself,
well, it just wasn't something I felt I could do. Not really; not when a child's
shoes just wore out, or when one of my kids needed something for school.
It took me a long time to get past that feeling guilty thing. It was well
worth the struggle.
This week I bought myself books I'd wanted to read, writing tablets, pens,
and checked out house plants. I so miss being able to work in the yard.
No matter where I lived I always had flower gardens. But now, with my
pain level being so high, and the problems I have with my legs,
and back- hands too, I have to settle for indoor plants, which is okay.
They really brighten up a place.
Just checked the weather report. That bright light you saw wasn't lightning,
but my smile, when I saw that temps were not going to be as high this week.
102- 109 is just a bit too uncomfortable, especially when the humidity level
is high too. We're actually supposed to have a few days in the high 80's.
Sounds so good.
Imagination:
This word always makes me smile, always brings to mind memories of
my children when they were small. As well, it reminds me of myself when
I was a youngster. So many of the adults during those days, were always
telling me "Stop acting like a kid. Grow up."
I found this confusing, and it made me very sad. I was confused because I
(was) a kid- only ten. How does a kid not act like a kid? I was sad
because their words made me feel like they were asking me to stop
being the person I was.
Imagination, even today, keeps me going; keeps me hopeful, content,
eager to meet whatever challenges life may throw at me. My imagination
has allowed me to travel all over the world, allowed me to see myself in
a better place, doing the very things people told me I'd never be able to do.
I love taking memory walks; always stop at the places that made me so
happy, many of those places being the dinner table. My four children's
minds were so active then. I loved the way they expressed themselves.
This morning I thought of conversations I'll never forget, like:
When my daughter was five and I had a hard time getting her to eat
her vegetables. One night, she sat at the table pushing some broccoli
around on her plate with her fork, while making the most horrible faces.
"I don't know how these trees can be good for me." she said. "when they
taste so nasty." Her younger brother laughed and said "Just pretend
they are Christmas trees."
Another time she asked if Jesus liked spaghetti.
"He might." I said.
"Good. Cause I'm going to save him some of mine."
Remembering this conversation reminded me of one I had with my dad,
so many years ago. I never got to spend much time with him so jumped
at the chance to go in the car with him one day. I don't remember where
we were going, but never forgot the conversation, the reason being the
way my mind worked.
We'd just driven under an overpass.
I asked. "Dad, how many boxes of oleo could you stack from
the ground to the top of the bridge?"
"Not sure. Quite a lot I guess."
"One hundred?"
"Maybe."
"More?"
"Don't know."
"Less than that?"
"Not sure."
"Well guess."
He changed the subject. His plan didn't work. I asked how far the stars
were from our house, and what made them so bright. I asked how the
man who made cars knew how to build one, how old would I grow up to be,
and who invented paint? Who invented rubber?
I asked why the water we drink is a different color than than ocean
water. After awhile he began to get frustrated. He didn't get mad, just
sighed and said. "Doesn't your mind ever shut down?
I'm smiling as I type this part because the answer is still the same.
No! My mind never shuts down. I'm just as curious today as I was when
I was a kid. A car passes our house and I wonder where it is going,
wonder about the people in it; if they are happy or sad, if they are related
or just friends, if they believe in God or not.
Imagination is a wonderful thing. Today, my imagination is one of the
things that propels me forward, keeps depression at bay, as well as worries,
fears, etc.
It helps to visualize good, positive, wonderful things, pulls one down if
the mind is filled with negativeness. Life is hard today, harder than it has
ever been- and not just for me...but for you- for us all. That is why I do
my best to encourage my kids to hold tight to the sense of wonder, to
not get so focused on all that is wrong in the world. Focusing on just the dark
side of things, the painful, depressing side, does nothing but keep us from
experiencing those special shiny moments that are placed within our hands
each day.
Don't overlook them, dear hearts. And pray that I don't either. Being
grateful (keeping track of our blessings) enables us to be content, and
will enable us to enjoy life to the fullest.
I've got to get busy now, have chores waiting.
Don't forget how special, how unique you are.
Don't forget to take care of your hearts; keep them full
of sweetness, kindness, mercy, love, tolerance, patience,
and HOPE.
for always being in my corner, for your friendship, love and support.
love you much.
